As presentation credits begin, we hear Johnny Cash's "Home of the Blues."
Then we see Allison's name, under it Alex's, under that Robert's, under
that Quentin's, then under that the title logo for Four Rooms, followed by
"Starring Tim Roth as the Bellboy." Then "The Guests" listed in
alphabetical order of all the actors playing guests. After the actors'
names, we . . .
FADE UP ON A WALL
The camera pans down a weathered wall covered with postcards from Miami
Beach, Florida, the Copacabana, N.Y.C., "Wish You Were Here" from Niagara
Falls, rickshaws and babes on beaches, etc . . . .
The camera comes to rest on an old photograph of a 1930s hotel, the "Mon
Signor," in its heyday, with a full staff of 30 people posed on the lawn in
An old guy with a staccato voice delivers a monologue:
There used to be a staff of fifty in this place. I'm the only
one left from those days. It all comes down to one sap: the
night-shift bellhop, that's me. What the hell is a bellhop?
You know where the name comes from?
Of course not. . . . It's so simple it's stupid. They ring a bell
and you hop. You hop to front and center. No heroes in this
line, kid. Just men doing a job. No questions asked, none
answered. I try to keep it simple, kid, not too personal. . . .
Another voice of a young man interrupts.
You met any of those old stars?
THE OLD GUY
Stars! Are you kidding me? I took Rin Tin Tin out for a
shit, for Christ's sakes. I taught Shirley Temple how to
roller-skate. I saw Fatty Arbuckle regurgitate three cheese
sandwiches right on the spot you're sitting, kid. What did
you say your name was?
THE OLD GUY
Ted, right. I remember Marilyn used to come down at night
and doze off in the kitchen. She liked the sound of the fans
out back spinning around. Sure, these were stars, kid. Errol
Flynn used to call me "Alibi." You'll pick up a few stories
I don't think so, not like yours.
THE OLD GUY
What do you think a star does when he goes to the bathroom, kid?
THE OLD GUY
He pulls his pants down and takes a crap just like you and
me. Take my word for it.
A wisp of smoke passes over a napkin pinned to the wall with a lip print on
it signed "Marilyn." The camera pulls back to reveal Ted and the Old Guy
sitting on a foldout cot in a small back room of the Hotel Mon Signor. The
old man is dressed in a striped T-shirt with a bellhop's cap on. He looks
like an old pirate. Next to him on the bed sits Ted, a young guy with a
bellhop jacket draped over his knees. The old bellhop takes a long drag off
a big cigar.
THE OLD GUY
THE OLD GUY
The cigar. Cuban. A good cigar, wrapped in Miami. I get a
box of them every Christmas from the chairman of the
board. I think he sends them to me to keep my mouth shut.
It's tough not to get a little personal in this business.
The old bellhop takes a hit off his cigar and stares down at his cap, lost
What do you mean?
The old guy passes the cap over to Ted.
THE OLD GUY
Put it on.
Ted puts the cap on.
THE OLD GUY
Frankly, you look stupid . . . like the Philip Morris guy. I
can't believe I wore that thing for fifty years. You keep it.
The Old Guy gets up from the bed and throws a jacket on. Pulls a few
postcards off the wall, throws them in an old straw suitcase, and slams the
lid down. He heads for the door. Ted follows.
THE OLD GUY
Stay away from night clerks, kids, hookers, and marital disputes.
The Old Guy pauses for a second and looks Ted dead in the eye.
THE OLD GUY
Never have sex with the clientele.
No way, not me. You got any other advice.
THE OLD GUY
Always get a tip.
The door slams shut on the back room.
INT. HOTEL LOBBY--TWILIGHT
The big empty lobby of the Mon Signor. You can tell that at one point this
used to be a swank place. It still is, kinda. It's also kinda decrepit. The
concierge--a snappy, fast-talking, red-haired young woman in a blue blazer
named Betty--stands behind the reception desk. The old man, suitcase in
hand, makes a beeline through the lobby, heading toward the front door.
Betty sees him.
Sam! Hey, Sam, wait a minute!
The Old Guy stops in his tracks and turns around.
THE OLD GUY
Betty comes from behind the desk.
I just want to say good-bye.
THE OLD GUY
Who are you?
Uhhh, Betty. The concierge. Your boss.
The Old Guy squints his eyes at the young gal.
THE OLD GUY
Oh yeah. Gotta light, sister? Goddam cigar went out.
She speaks to the Old Guy as she lights his cigar and he puffs away.
I just want you to know, from the owner and all the staff,
your fifty years of service have been an inspiration to us all.
You're a legend in your own time, and the Mon Signor will
never be the--
THE OLD GUY
Just forward my cigars, Red.
(He turns around the walks out, saying over his shoulder)
Betty is left standing in the lobby. Ted appears behind her in his bellbody
uniform, sans cap.
Sam the bellboy. Now there was a man.
Yeah. Oh, hi, Teddy. Ready to start the night shift?
Well, let me buy you a drink.
You wanna buy me a drink? I'm starting my shift.
You're not an alcoholic, are you; one drink won't kill you.
They walk out of frame. In the empty frame we
SUPER: NEW YEAR'S EVE 7:00 P.M.
INT. BACK ROOM--NIGHT
Betty and Ted sit in the back room, both with drinks in their hand. This
dialogue is to be delivered rapid fire, Howard Hawks style.
After fifty years, Sam retires, and you're taking over the night shift.
You're filling some mighty big shoes.
Oh, I know.
Sam was a legend in the hotel business.
Oh, I know . . .
A bellhop's bellhop.
An inspiration to us all.
He ran the night desk for fifty years, all by himself.
An amazing man.
No desk clerk. No night man. No help. Just fuckin' Sam,
and his wits.
A man alone.
And you're gonna do the same.
Ted spews his drink.
Yes, you can.
No, I can't. I never worked the night shift before.
Oh night shift--smight shift.
We were supposed to work it together.
I know, but I can't.
I'm having a New Year's Eve party.
Actually, I'm not having it. My roommate is. And there's
this guy. German guy. He's gonna be there. And so am I.
I can't run this place by myself.
Oh, sure ya can.
No, I can't.
Sam ran this place by himself for fifty years.
Yeah, and he had fifty years of fuckin' practice, too. I
haven't had a day.
Look, Teddy, calm down--
--Don't call me Teddy.
Ted, the night's cake. It's easy. The day's when it's busy.
During the night there's nothing to do.
It's New Year's Eve.
Which'll make it less busy than normal. Ever worked on
Christmas? Unless you sell turkeys, business is dead. You
just got butterflies, that's all.
What I have ain't butterflies. I can't handle this hotel all by myself.
Betty slows the scene down.
Okay, let's calm down a minute. Slow it down, cool it off.
Let's just talk.
You can say any goddamn thing you want--
--Ted? I thought we were calming down? I thought we were
cooling off? No hostility. Say good-bye to hostility. We're
Okay . . . okay . . . okay . . . I'm calm, I'm cool, let's talk.
Ted, in a nutshell, all you have to do is hold the fort. It's
New Year's Eve. Most of the guests are going out. You'll
just be giving them a little nod as they come staggering in
at three . . . four . . . five . . . in the morning. Nobody's
having any parties, a few get-togethers, but no parties. You
got about three people checking in tonight, that's it. The
only variable is Chester Rush in the penthouse.
Chester Rush? The guy from The Wacky Detective?
Yeah, him and his entourage checked in last night. They're
in the penthouse. The only reason I refer to it as a variable
is that he's a movie star. Ya never know about movie stars.
I'm tellin' ya, Ted, it's cake.
Betty takes a piece of paper and writes her number down.
And look, if you have any problems, call me at the party.
Ted thinks about it for a moment.
--For fifty bucks.
You're shirking your duties for this Nazi. For that you pay
a price, and the price is fifty bucks.
One, Horst is not a Nazi. Two, that's not a fair price. You're
taking advantage of the situation. Twenty bucks. Now,
twenty bucks is a fair price.
Yeah, but what you're doin' to me ain't fair. And, you are
completely and totally taking advantage of me and your
position. So fifty bucks is the perfect price.
Betty begrudgingly digs in her purse.
Okay, but don't be a pussy. You don't bother me unless it's
an emergency. In fact, for fifty bucks, you better not call me
unless the fuckin' building's burning down.
She gives him the money.
Get ready to take the desk.
Ted sits in the chair, takes another drink, and prepares himself for the
FADE TO BLACK
STORY TITLE CARD:
EXT. THE MON SIGNOR HOTEL--DUSK
Ted, the bellboy, meets his first guest of the evening, as a taxi unloads
her luggage. To his warm surprise, the guest is a Beautiful Mediterranean
Goddess (actually, we will come to see she is not technically a goddess,
but a High Priestess). She is about 25 years old, speaks with an Italian
accent and is dressed in Gypsy garb. She is Athena.
Ted takes Athena's luggage onto his cart. But one item in a woven Moroccan
bag proves to be unbearably heavy. Athena is concerned as he attempts to
Pleeze be careful--my God. You have no idea . . .
Ted strains as he uses all his cojones to lift the insanely heavy bag onto
the cart. Athena tips the cab driver, stingily. The driver winces and gets
in the cab. Ted has now managed with grunts and groans and strained blood
vessels to put this thing on the cart. The cab skids away. Athena looks at
Ted, who is out of breath.
I'm usually a good tipper, but this one--this cab
driver--he had green all around him. I don't like that in a man.
Ted wheezes and pounds on his chest.
Green? Is that bad? Like you read auras or something like that?
Something like that.
Yeah, well what color are you seein' around me . . . how's
the tip lookin?
I see purple . . . in your face, and . . .
As if she can't help herself, Athena's eyes are strangely drawn to his
crotch. She frowns, confused by this impulse. Ted appears to be charmingly
Athena looks back into his face.
. . . you're okay.
Ted touches his face--as if searching for the "purple" in it--and moves the
cart inside, discreetly checking out his crotch and giving her a confused
INT. FRONT DESK--DUSK
Ted shifts hats to check the girl in. He checks her reservation.
(scratching his head--weird name, okay)
You're booked in the Honeymoon Suite--just one night?
With all this luggage?
I will only need to stay till sunrise.
Okay . . . and how will you be paying?
He looks at this wacky Gypsy chick numbly--she pulls out her Gold Card and
The doors open and Ted and Athena emerge upon the third floor. Ted follows
Athena with the cart down the hallway to her room.
AT THE HONEYMOON SUITE DOOR
Ted opens the door, then lifts the easiest bags first. In the center of the
room is a Jacuzzi with hokey plastic cupids poised with urns on each side.
A dormant fireplace looms beyond the still hot tub.
Ted stares at the heavy bag with anxiety--then looks in front of him to
Athena as she rubs the round plastic head of a little Cupid and mumbles,
"Perfect." Then, arms open wide, chin lifted to heaven, eyes closed, she
mumbles a faint incantation. Then she does a belly-dance wiggle and turns
to Ted, who is truly perplexed.
Well--the other bag--I need it.
He starts to lift it, again straining and turning purple. He laughs sickly.
What the hell you got in here, lady? Nuclear weapons?
She relieves him of the task and effortlessly picks up the bag.
The White Cliffs of Dover.
Ted is stunned as she slings the bag over her shoulder and pauses to pull a
10 spot out of her cleavage. She hands it to him. Ted is grateful and
The others will be coming soon. Send them, pleeze.
Ted nods, confused by "the others," and walks off with the cart. Then he
turns from outside the doorway.
Oh--I forgot to show you how to turn on the Jacuzzi.
But Athena is ahead of him--she flips a switch and water begins to flow
from the baby cupids' urns into the hot tub.
I been in dis' place many New Year's. So . . . you send the
others to me, huh. Go now.
As she says this, the door closes with a strange force, shutting Ted out.
Athena takes the bag to the bedroom of the suite.
IN THE SUITE BEDROOM
A round bed with pink tuck'n'roll headboard. It's impossible to imagine
having an orgasm in this room--unless it were achieved by laughing.
Athena carefully removes a large, beautiful white slab of stone from her
tapestry bag. She caresses it and carries it like a baby to the bed and
places it in the very center, the head of the rock resting on dusty
Then she removes from her bag a pink negligee and matching high-heeled
slippers. And these she places with reverance on the bed.
On this night, oh great goddess Diana, we restore your
virgin flesh and bring you back to real life.
CLOSE ON the rock slab. We hold the artifact.
Soon--I take you to the pond for a cleansing. Well, it's a
swimming pool, but it will be under the setting sun, okay?
INT. FRONT DESK--DUSK FALLS
Just as Ted is recovering from the mystery of this first guest, Elspeth
arrives. She has skin like marble, the body of Venus, piercing blue eyes,
blond hair and is dressed all in black clothing, like Honey West in a
rubber dress. She carries several bags, and a silver sword on her shoulder.
May I help you?
I . . . we . . . have a reservation.
Then she snaps, irritated, behind her.
ANGLE ON a young punk rocker chick with long orange hair, a long leather
coat, wearing a tight T-shirt with studs spelling "PUSSY" across her
breasts. This is Kiva.
Kiva is kicking the tar and nicotine outta the cigarette machine. Just as
Ted's eyes grow wide with anxiety, several packs of smokes drop into the
juvenile delinquent's hands.
Wait up, gawd! I had to get supplies for this boring ass night.
We have a reservation in the Honeymoon Suite.
Oh yeah . . . you must be one of "the others." And what're
you carrying--the Rock of Gibraltar?
She stares at him without humor. He fumbles for the key. He walks around
the desk to help her with her black crocodile luggage. Jars clang inside.
He is ready to go, but Elspeth turns to lecture Kiva on the hazards of
smoking, as Kiva lights up.
What'd I tell you about smoking?
That's right--I smoke, and I'm addicted to it, and I don't
want the same thing to happen to you.
(in game-show host voice)
"Hello--welcome to this week's edition of the Hypocrite of
the Year Award--"
As Kiva goes off on her impression of a game-show host, Elspeth is growing
increasingly rageful, like a mother with an unruly child. Ted waits,
luggage in hand.
Kiva! That's enough--
She cuts Kiva's ramble off. Kiva blows smoke defiantly.
You're not my mother!
Yes I am.
Then why're we sleeping together?
Ted looks on uneasily at the relationship that is beginning to unfold here.
Elspeth checks his reaction and becomes self-conscious at his scrutiny.
Well . . . I didn't mean it . . . literally. I . . . I happen to be
the only one who . . . cares about you--
But her wild child looks off, bored. Elspeth turns to Ted, flustered.
Please--take us to our room!
Ted smiles uneasily and reaches to relieve her of her sword, but Elspeth
quickly slams her palm on the sword and shoots him a piercing glare. He
jumps back with a light nervous laugh. He leads the way to the elevator.
AT THE HONEYMOON SUITE DOOR
The couch has been set out here in the hall, as well as coffee tables,
lamps, and the TV. Elspeth and Kiva enter the room. Athena is gone. As Ted
stumbles around the furniture in the hall, he peers in the room and see a
transformation. With most of the furniture removed, candles and incense and
flowers are beginning to form an altar around the fireplace.
But oddest of all is the pink-tinged water swirling in the Jacuzzi and
pouring from the cupid urns. A sprinkle of white powder on the carpet
encircles the hot tub. Elspeth hands him a tip as he gawks at the circle.
Flea powder. One of the others is bringing her cat.
Ted starts away again, perplexed. He turns for one last look to see Elspeth
kneeling before Kiva, who sprawls on the floor. He shakes his head and
You're gonna have to wait in the other room.
Because I said so.
I'll watch TV.
You can't watch TV because the noise will interfere with
Kiva looks around the room and spies the TV in the hallway. She turns to
Elspeth with sarcastic concession.
Okay . . . Mommy.
Elspeth bristles as the brat saunters off to the bedroom. Elspeth enters
the sacred circle, stands before the altar, whips out her sword, and makes
a ceremonial gesture pointing the sword upward, perfectly centered between
Kiva, behind Elspeth's back, exits from the bedroom doorway into the hall
and comes back in, lugging the TV into the honeymoon bedroom.
Elspeth kneels before the altar. Athena enters the room with the "cleansed"
artifact and lays the slab in the center of the altar upon the heart-shaped
pillows as Elspeth lays her sword next to the rock. The women look upon the
union with tender affection.
Soon--our goddess will come. I will go get her negligee.
Athena stands up but her reverie is dispelled as she shrieks! Loud TV
suddenly blasts from the bedroom and Kiva the brat is trying on the pink
negligee over her clothes. Athena takes the negligee off the irrepressible
What are you doing! Have you no respect--who--who is
Kiva. My friend. Kiva, turn off the TV! I can't leave her at
home--she's on probation and I gotta keep an eye on her.
Well, Elspeth, your friend cannot stay here during the ritual.
She may be one of your kind, but she is not one of us.
She stays!! Or I go--along with my offering!
The women have a stare-down. Then Athena calls out--
TURN OF THE FUCKING TV, MAN!
(in a seductive pout)
Make me . . .
Elspeth becomes anxious with jealousy. Athena is exasperated as she firmly
demands from Elspeth--
Let's not forget--I am the High Fucking Priestess. Deal
with dis girl!
Elspeth defers to Athena with remembered reverance and respect. She bows
apologetic and scurries to the bedroom.
(eyes lifted to heaven, wearily)
Tell me--did we have these problems in Salem? I don't
think so . . .
IN THE BEDROOM
Elspeth swallows her rage and approaches the brat with a soft touch.
Kiva . . . you know what I love about you?
Kiva smirks . . . yeah, she knows.
Your sweet side.
And what do I get if I'm sweet?
You get whatever you want. And you know what else I love
And saying this, she kisses Kiva's nose and leaves the room. Kiva is
quieted now. As Elspeth closes the bedroom door, she has the last word.
And I saw you checking her out.
Kiva slinks back on the bed, put in her place--for now.
IN THE HALLWAY/EXT. ELEVATOR--DUSK
The doors open and Ted pushes a cart of expensive designer luggage--and
lots of it--behind yet another Gorgeous Gal. This one is Jezebel, a
Southern beauty, fawning over her cat, as she carries nothing else, and
proceeds down the hall like a Southern princess.
(talking to her cat in baby talk)
Oh you little stinker . . . oh you sweet little muffin. Yes . . .
Mama loves the baby.
AT THE DOOR
Jezebel bursts in, chattering.
Well, this is just darlin'! Just darlin' Hi-dee, girls . . .
Ted carries all her bags inside awkwardly. Again, the place has become all
the more tranformed with wild canopies of exotic cloths and fixings.
Elspeth and Athena are hard at work on a strange nature sculpture as
Jezebel enters. She stands inside the powdered circle and before the hot
tub, which now has dark blue water swirling inside. She presents her
cat--upward toward heaven--frees the cat, bares her breasts and sucks in
the vibes: "Ahhhh."
Ted settles the bags down, hoping for a peek at her charms, but her back is
to him. The kitty rubs on her leg. She picks it up and presses it against
her bare breasts, petting it sweetly. She winks and hands him a tip.
And saying this, she shoos him away. Through the glass doors to the
bedroom, she sees Kiva sprawled on the bed, writing on herself.
Well--I see Elspeth has herself a new lil' fool--what the
hell is she doin' here on our night of annual ritual?
I have sanctioned her presence, as long as she behaves.
Come on--there is more work to be done to welcome our
I WANT ROOM SERVICE!!
Why do I always attract girls who are looking for a babysitter?
Well now, honey, maybe Juvenile Hall ain't the best place
to find serious relationship material.
Elspeth seethes at her. Jezebel acts blithely innocent.
IN THE HALLWAY
Ted is walking from the room with the cart. His face is etched in a mask of
perpetual frown as he looks at the tip in his hand--at least these
lunachicks tip well.
Waking him out of his deep mood is Raven. Another female intoxication, she
wears a short skirt, all done up in Native American, Southwestern themes.
No shoes. But she carries a small, old handmade broom. She moves down the
hall, blissed-out. Ted makes eye contact, despite himself.
I'm looking for the room for making love.
You might be referring to the Honeymoon Suite. Straight
thata way . . . you can't miss it--see all that furniture in
Oh I know the way. I just wanted you to know that I knew
where I was going and that you needn't bother yourself with
me. The others are here--great!
Oh yeah--it's so great--it's fantastic.
(in deep empathy)
Ohhh . . . I know it all seems very strange but you're coping
with us much better than the bellboys of past New Year's.
Past New Year's?
Oh yes--we've been coming here every New Year . . . for a
long time. Thanks for your patience.
Oh hey--no problem--wreck the place. Bring in cats. Ruin
the carpet with flea powder, pour paint in the Jacuzzi.
Throw the furniture out the . . . where're your bags?
I travel very light.
Ted looks down at the broom at her side, her bare feets, her thick dark
hair. It keeps getting weirder. She wanders off.
INT. FRONT DESK--NIGHT
The last of the lovely girls arrives. She is different from the others. She
looks like a farm girl, very Earth Mother, with a tablecloth halter top and
skirt, sandals, and a simple scarf over her long dark curls. She carries
two bags by herself and holds a small black pot under her arm. She is Eva.
(already weary of these girls)
Yeah, yeah, Honeymoon Suite.
Oh . . . yes . . . I'm late.
She lowers her eyes, worried.
All right--lemme give ya a hand.
Oh . . . no, that's all right. I can carry them by myself.
She is so sweet and sincere that he feels like a heel to have been
irritated with her. He picks up her bags.
I'm a man doin' a job--no hero.
Eva smiles, beautifully.
Well gosh--thank you!
IN THE ELEVATOR
Ted holds Eva's hippy sacks as she holds her black pot. There is a shy
quiet tension here.
Tell me, how long have the others been here?
About an hour.
Eva's heart sinks. They arrive at the door. He carries her bags in.
IN THE SUITE
The room is entirely transformed into a beautiful glowing palace with an
elaborate altar, both earthly and the other-earthly. The other four girls
are arranging the altar as Eva enters.
You are very late, Eva.
I'm sorry, Athena. I was attending a birth and the placenta
was late in coming.
Ted is slightly queasy. She hands him a tip and smiles, then takes it back.
Oh, wait, lemme give you a little more than that . . .
Ted's no fool, he waits while Eva looks through her change purse.
Which birth is more important to you, that of a mortal or
that of a goddess?
All life is precious . . . but I do apologize for being late, Elspeth.
Back home, they jist yank on the umbilical cord, do a Karate
chop on the mama's belly, and them things come right out.
They do that here, too, Jezebel, in the hospitals, but it
causes hemorrhages. I fed the mother a bowl of comfrey tea
and it brought the afterbirth down perfectly. The couple
are going to use it for fertilizer to plant a lovely tree for their baby.
Oh wow--if they were really back-to-nature, they'd eat it,
like other mammals do.
CLOSE ON Ted's face as he gets thoroughly grossed out.
In some Native American cultures, they dry the umbilical
cord, grind it to a fine powder, and put it in a leather pouch
that the baby wears to ward off evil. But burying the placenta
is also a very sound ecological practice--'cause of the oxygen
(cheerfully to the others)
Yes--because you see when the placenta detaches from the
uterine wall . . .
(wincing in disgust)
Uh, thank you, ladies--I'll be going now. If you need anything--
Eva places a nice tip in his palm.
Wait. We do need a few things.
Ted sighs as Eva enters the circle with her black pot. She kneels softly,
holds her hands in piety before the altar, and softly incants as she offers
her pot and places it on the altar. The stone and sword and flowers now
rest here on pillows covered in chiffon scarves. The negligee hangs from
the mantel, the slippers underneath as if expecting someone to materialize
into the garments.
We need fresh rosemary from the kitchen. Mostly what we
need is from the kitchen. Hey, are you listening?
Ted is watching Eva, enchanted.
Yeah, yeah, rosemary.
And a little bit of sea salt or Kosher salt if you don't got no
sea salt. A bottle of spring water--Italian please, not
And some french fries!
Kiva, shut up.
And some ginger, two of the eyes of a trout fish, and a piece
of raw meat, liver if you have it.
I want fries--you dumb jerks with your stupid fucking ritual!
Shut up, you little shit.
Don't talk to her that way!
Ted has scribbled down the items as she speaks. He looks at this list and
these girls and shudders as he walks away. He turns, points at Eva.
Ted smiles at this angel of a girl. She smiles back. But, as she looks him
in the eyes, he feels a strange buzzing connection happening. He holds his
head, almost swooning with dizziness. Athena smirks.
Get to work, man.
Ted comes out of his daze, looks at the list again and huffs off. After he
goes, the girls begin to bring forth their most treasured offerings in
ornate ancient bottles, vases or vials.
Jezebel folds her arms and clears her throat in the direction of Kiva,
sitting idly on the edge of the blue water Jacuzzi, with her feet dipping
irreverently in the water.
Kiva . . .
You have to go in the next room now.
Oh, wow, like I'm bummed out that I can't watch.
(whining at Elspeth)
She climbs up the stairs, trying to pull the brat to her feet.
Don't put me in there by myself. I'll miss you way too much.
Kiva, don't do this to me.
Kiva sees a bit of weakening here; she takes her feet out of the Jacuzzi.
She begins to speak softly.
Please . . . if you just lemme . . . I'll play dress-up with
you, the way you like it . . . you know what I mean . . .
remember . . . ?
Elspeth begins to weaken. But continues to pull the brat up. Kiva pours on
We can pretend and I'll do it exactly . . . the way you want
it . . . with the egg whites and the kilt.
Elspeth is now fully seduced. Kiva takes Elspeth's hand and presses it
lightly on her face.
You mean . . . like last week?
Kiva nods. Elspeth is enthralled, but from a disgusted "ick" sound from
Jezebel, Elspeth realizes she's revealing this side of her life--in front
of her coven. She nervously looks around and see all the coven looking at
her: a disgusted Jezebel, an understanding Raven, a preoccupied Eva and an
impatient and stern Athena.
Elspeth comes to her senses, straightens her posture.
We'll talk about this later, Kiva.
She turns on Elspeth and bites her hand. Elspeth pulls her arm away and
grabs Kiva by the hair.
Aw, really now--child abuse?
You stay outta this!
I demand this stop now, Elspeth!
Elspeth lets go of Kiva's hair. Kiva jerks away from her.
I'm running away from you!
Fine. Go ahead. And I'll call your parole officer and she'll
find you and send you back to Eastlake!
Kiva stomps off into the bedroom.
Now that the fucking melodrama is over, can we start
the goddamn ritual--pleeze?
Elspeth enters the powered circle. Each girl takes off her shoes. They
anoint themselves with oils.
We are communing here on New Year's Eve to bring to life
the great goddess Diana, who was turned to stone in this
very room forty years ago today.
The girls moan in sleepy, eerie agreement as they begin to sway within the
Diana, great beautiful one, we make these offerings to you,
that we may undo the wicked spell which deprived you of
the seed of your lover, your virginal blood, of your very life.
We now form the symbolic rock with our bodies.
And saying this, the girls all form a "rock" with their bodies gracefully
draped one upon the other. Music begins, and slowly they start to unfold
from the rock. The girls each find their place in a semicircle around the
Jacuzzi. Some bare their breasts, other strip off a layer of clothes. They
anoint their arms with water from the Jacuzzi.
They begin a lovely dance, snaking their way around the semicircle. The
first one to go from one end to the other is Athena. She then proceeds up
the stairs and positions herself between the altar and the Jacuzzi. She
steps forth with a bottle to the altar and pours it into the Jacuzzi.
On this night, in this hour, we
Call upon the Ancient Power
O Goddess bride, I offer thee
Milk from a mother's sweet titty!
Each of the girls moans eerily. Athena places the bottle on the altar and
bows away. She joins the circle as Elspeth now steps forward with her
offering in a vial.
To reverse the evil which has been done
I make this offering to the Divine One
A whore not, an innocent was,
For whom I seized a virgin's blood.
Goddess of Light, Goddess of Lust,
To undo this awful spell is a real must.
To bring you life and get you high
I offer the sweat of five men's thighs.
The girls moan loudly as they sway. Jezebel places her offering in the hot
tub and bows out, returning to the circle. Now Raven comes forth with a
small leather canteen. She unscrews the lid as she offers in her opiate
Diana, oh great one, we live without sun
Until this wicked curse is undone.
In hope that you live, and to us appear,
I have collected a year's worth of tears.
She pours liquid into the mix, as the witches moan. Now it's Eva's turn.
Eva continues to sway, not moving forth to the altar. The girls keep their
eyes closed as they sway, waiting for Eva's offering. Athena finally gives
her a push and she goes.
Eva kneels before the altar. She produces a silver bottle with a chain on
its cap and neck. She timidly begins to incant.
Great Goddess Diana, fail you I will,
I was to bring fresh sperm from my Bill.
I had him erect, and his semen would follow
But alas I was hot, so hot that I swallowed.
The moans turn to wails as the girls GASP and SHRIEK! Athena opens her
You stupid little witch! You swallowed the sperm! Aye-yi--yi!
Elspeth opens her eyes and folds her arms, smirking bitterly.
It just shows what an amazing lack of control you have over
Honey, why didn't you just use your hands? Didn't your
mama teach you not to put them things in your mouth?
I understand though . . .
Eva bursts into tears. Athena is firm.
There is no time to cry over swallowed sperms. You're
gonna have to get some, baby. You have one hour to prove
what kind of witch you really are.
Just then: a knock at the door.
What do you want?!
Ted . . . the bellboy.
Athena smiles and turns to Eva.
Mr. Bellboy, come right in!
Ted opens the door. His eyes bulge out as he looks upon the fleshly feast.
He steps back. They giggle seductively, all except Eva, who sniffles,
red-eyed. Amazingly, Ted's attention is captivated by Eva's sorrow, not by
the naked charms of the other witches. She shyly covers her breasts.
Sensitive to her shame and sorrow, he looks away and steps from the door to
fetch the room-service cart. Athena directs the others to put on their
shirts. Ted wheels in the cart.
Here's the things you asked for. Oh, and uhh, sorry, but I'm
not gonna pick the eyes outta this dead fish.
He points to the trout. Elspeth picks it up, flings the eyes into the
Jacuzzi, and tosses the trout out of the window. She smirks at him
(handing Ted 50 bucks)
Okay, mister, here's your fifty-dollar tip, only, you have to
do one more thing . . . make our little Eva smile. Can you?
We'll leave you alone.
(to Eva, firmly)
And don't your mouth!
The girls step out. Athena turns to Eva and points to her watch, then holds
up one finger. Eva looks up, worried. The door closes on her and Ted. She
looks at Ted and sighs. He covers her with a shawl.
IN THE HALLWAY
The other witches listen at the door.
If she doesn't get his goop in ten minutes, I'm going to take
Ha! That'll be a first for you.
She runs back in for her bratty girlfriend, who is already sneaking out the
And just where do you think you're going?
Well, gawd--I need a candy bar or something--you haven't
fed me all day. I'm getting all shaky. My blood sugar's
Elspeth--honestly now--some babysitter you're turnin'
out ta be!
Enough, girls. I will collect fresh earth. Jezebel, I want you
to gather damp moss. Raven, you bring me a birch branch.
Elspeth, you go feed your terrible girlfriend. We meet back
here in one hour and let's all have faith that Eva can get this guy off.
The witches disperse.
INT. HONEYMOON SUITE--NIGHT
Eva sits among pillows before the altar as Ted stands in front of her. Ted
is trying his best to make poor Eva smile. But no matter what his antics,
she looks off sadly.
Help me out, lady. I gotta earn this fifty bucks!
Oh look, they don't care if I smile or not! All they want is . . .
Ted waits; she sighs and rest her chin in her hand.
You won't understand, believe me.
She begins to cry tearfully again.
Try me. I've been around, y'know.
He postures proudly, all puffed out. Eva looks at him helplessly. And he
paternally encourages her to explain.
Well . . . okay. The five of us--Elspeth, Jezebel, Athena,
Raven and me--are a coven.
Ha, like a coven of witches?
He looks around the room: QUICK CUTS of candles, iconography, jars of lurid
substances, unknown body parts of animals woven into the nature sculpture .
. . and are those tongues in that can? Ted's getting the creeps, but again
puffs himself up.
I knew that!
And you see, our coven has spent forty years trying to perfect
a ritual to undo a wicked curse put on our goddess Diana.
Gee, you don't look a day over twenty!
Oh . . . ha ha . . . I mean the witches before us tried and
failed. But Athena, our High Priestess, discovered a great
potion to reverse the evil spell which turned our beautiful
goddess into an old rock.
(looking at the rock)
Yeah? Is . . . is that her?
Eva nods, looking lovingly at the stone.
She was a beautiful virgin. An entertainer by trade, but a
great sorceress by design. It was here in this very room, on
her wedding night, a jealous rival placed the curse on Diana.
She turned to--that--here?
Yes . . . and her young husband turned into a pink fish!
They found him swimming in the pool in circles. While our
dear goddess: a stone in her honeymoon bed.
Ted frowns as he ponders all this. Eva takes a photo from the altar and
hands it to Ted.
This was Diana.
CLOSE ON photo: a Blond Bombshell in full-on Betty Page attire, a
bare-tittied pinup girl, playfully spanking a girl in bondage with a spiked
This girl here? This is the goddess Diana?
The photograph slowly comes alive. Diana stops spanking the girl and unties
her. She pulls the girl (in the black satin mask) up off her lap and makes
the girl stand. The women face each other and break into a cheek-to-cheek
CLOSE ON Ted as he shakes his head. Are his eyes playing tricks on him?
I hate to tell you this, but I kinda doubt she was a virgin.
Oh, but she was! She had lovers, but she saved that for
marriage. Which is the example I've tried to follow: to do
everything but that till I marry . . .
She begins to sob again. Ted comforts her.
Hey, don't cry . . . a virgin is a rare and beautiful thing. If
you say she was a virgin, I'll believe it.
Well, it doesn't matter now . . . and she won't be resurrected
tonight 'cause I failed her. I let my whole coven down!
Wait a sec--that rock was gonna turn back into this?
He holds up the photo. Eva nods.
Now, that would be something worth seeing!
Only, not now--we were each supposed to bring
something--a life fluid.
(wincing in disgust)
If this is gonna be like one of those afterbirth conversations,
I don't think I wanna hear this.
Only . . . I swallowed it . . .
You swallowed what?
Eva looks off. Ted searches his brains, thoroughly sickened now.
You mean, you were supposed to bring . . . like . . . like a
guy's . . . and you . . . ?
She nods; he winces, queasy. Eva looks at him, helpless.
And now, you're my last chance!
Whoa, what? You want my--for the--witchy poo--ahh
no--no way--nope. Besides, it's against hotel policy. I was
warned: "No sex with the clientele"!
Eva sobs, pleading. She throws off her shawl, baring her lovely breasts,
and reaches her arms around his neck. He keeps backing off. Unbeknownst to
him, he is already doing a ritualistic shuffle.
Ha, c'mon now, joke's over.
(seeing this is no joke)
Hey, we're gonna step in the flea powder.
That's not flea powder, that's sacred dust ground from the
horns of Albino goats.
Right! I knew that!
He is backing away, into the circle, as she comes for him, soft and sweet.
Her eyes are again putting the magic hex on him, as he tries to resist her
What's a nice girl like you doing in a coven, anyway?
Well, see, what I really want to do is be a midwife. I've
attended four births already! I can prevent vaginal tears
(trying to dodge her hexing eyes)
Well, that's a good thing! A guy doesn't like surprises down there.
All the while she is stepping toward him into the circle.
I joined the coven to attain greater understanding of my
feminine power so I could become a truly great midwife!
(the hex working now)
Oh, well, I see you've been gaining a lot of insight into your
. . . girl powers . . .
Eva sweetly takes his hand and places it on her breast.
Do you really think so?
(buckling under the temptation)
Well, yeah, I'd say that seems to be the case . . . .
(she licks his neck; his eyes roll back heavenly)
Ohhh, God! Betty's gonna kill me!
Who's Betty--your girlfriend?
No. My boss.
They fall into a kiss, as she begins to remove his cap. She moves him
toward the Jacuzzi, closer and closer.
Ted pushes his room-service cart. He is flushed. Puffed up. Lights a
cigarette, takes a great big, satisfied drag. Eva runs to the door
dreamily, her naked body wrapped in her shawl. She passes him a card.
My phone number in Topanga. Call me?
Sure, baby. Yeah, I'll give ya a call.
She smiles and shuts the door. The other witches are arriving with supplies
from the garden. Kiva, now having raised her blood sugar, sucks on a
lollipop, a sunny girl. She talks to Raven, who carries a birch limb.
What's that used for?
It's a birch branch, symbolizing eternal life. You can also
use the bark for a tea which assists in astral travel.
Hey--I wanna be a witch!
The other girls roll their eyes as Elspeth smiles proudly. Ted blows smoke
at them and pushes his cart off down the hall. The witches run inside the
IN THE SUITE
Eva sits, blissed-out, in the center of the circle, smiles.
I'm a woman now!
But where is his "stuff"?
(pointing to the Jacuzzi)
We did it right there, in the big cauldron!
Ooohhh honey, you're gonna be sore tomorra! Didn't your
mama teach you that water strips a girl's lubrication?
Sex in water is great in the movies, not in real life . . . but
you will learn. As we all did.
Yeah, when she can't walk . . .
I guess you wouldn't have those kinds of problems--
No. And virtually no cervical cancer, either.
Okay, girls, enough Sex Education 101, let's get going with
our ritual, goddammit.
Athena regally leads the ritual as they all bare their breasts again. Kiva
throws off her shirt to join in. As she does, we see black bondage tape on
her nipples. Elspeth darts a quick look at the tape, looks at the other
witches--not sure she likes this--but she goes with it. The witches sway in
a circle, eyes closed, as Eva makes her offering.
Goddess Diana, I offer you
The jism of one I wooed for you
That you may live and know such bliss
Of getting laid by a guy like this.
The witches all incant.
ALL OF THE WITCHES
So must it be.
Three times three times three.
They march half-naked as they moan and revel in eerie cries. The Jacuzzi
begins to bubble and boil. Their cries heighten; the potion bubbles over.
Athena reads from a huge leatherbound book, The Book of Shadows, full of
potions and spells. Four discouraged witches pack their bags. The room has
been restored to its worldly under-splendor. Kiva uses the remote on the TV
. . . so much for witchcraft. The slab of rock remains a slab.
I don't understand what went wrong.
I say Eva pulled one over on us.
Honey--Eva was wearing the face of someone just fucked
good . . . and the best actress in this world, or any other,
can't fake a thing like that!
Exactly--if she was fucked so good, how could she save
It could be done . . .
Girls, knock it off.
(she looks up from the book)
Maybe . . . maybe it needed to be the sperm of a virgin male.
He was no virgin!
The witches sadly collect their things. Athena, deep in thought, strokes
Let's leave her here, with the sword, until dawn. I will come
back for her before checkout time. I just . . . feel too sad to
carry her away before the sun comes up to warm her.
They all agree. They pick up their bags and head out.
(cuddling her cat)
I can't believe we have to carry our own bags out! My mama
would have a hissy fit!
I'll carry your bags.
You're carrying my bags!
They leave the room. Jezebel's cat leaps from her arms as she hoists her
luggage. Eva walks out satisfied, thought perhaps a little sore--"ouch,"
she says, and smiles. Athena takes one last look at their goddess slab.
Next year, we try again--with virgin sperm.
She closes the door on the Honeymoon Suite (till next New Year's Eve!).
FADE TO BLACK.
FADE UP ON:
INT. MON SIGNOR LOBBY--NIGHT
Ted behind the desk, on the phone. We only hear his side.
Oh, Jesus, what did I tell you? Do you want milk and
cookies, or do you not?
I can't turn on an adult station without permission from
(pause, he checks his computer)
That's not what the machine tells me.
You be good and you'll get milk and cookies, but for now
leave me alone, please. I'll be up later to put you both to
He hangs up.
SUPER: 1:00 a.m.
The phone rings again.
INT. ROOM 404--NIGHT
A small party is going on. A long-haired Yuppie Scum type in on the line.
Music BLARES. People dance in background.
What room am I in?
INT. FRONT DESK--NIGHT
BACK AND FORTH
This is the front desk, sir.
The Yuppie turns away from the phone and speaks to Real Theodore.
What room are we in?
How should I know? I just got here.
You know, don't you have one of those light things?
If you care to go to the door and look on the other side,
you'll find the room number.
(to Real Theodore)
Call my assistant and ask her what floor we're on.
Who's your assistant?
The girl you party with every night.
I'm here alone, sir.
It's room 404, I think.
I could have sworn we were on the fifth floor.
What do you need, sir?
(to Real Theodore)
What do we need?
Right, sir. Ice. 404. I'll be with you momentarily.
STORY TITLE CARD:
"THE WRONG MAN"
INT. DARK HALLWAY
Ted saunters down a hallway with a butt hanging out the corner of his mouth
and a bucket of ice swinging at his side. He pulls up at a door on which
the faded numbers read something like "Room 404."
Ted knocks on the door. After a moment, the latch is thrown and the door
swings open. Ted cautiously steps into the dark room.
INT. ROOM 404
A DEMONIC CACKLE cuts through the darkness.
No one here but us chickens.
Say, it's pretty dark in here, sir.
What do you expect, Theodore, a fuckin' floor show?
Do I know you?
I don't know. Do you?
In a flash the lights switch on and Ted finds himself staring down the
barrel of a pretty intense-looking .357 Magnum, cocked and ready to fire.
At the other end of the gun stands a 50-year-old man, Sigfried, who sports
a Cheshire Cat smile and a "just try fuckin' with me" look on his face.
Sigfried isn't the only person in the room. Directly behind him sits a
beautiful young woman, Angela, gagged and bound to a chair. Ted drops the
bucket to the floor.
I brought your ice.
That's cute. In fact, the whole getup's kind of cute. The
monkey suit's a nice touch, honey puss.
This has to be a mistake. Is this room 404?
Theodore? What do you take me for, Theodore?
A very upset man?
Sigfried reaches in his pocket and throws a handful of assorted stimulants
into his mouth, chewing on them like they were breath mints. Sigfried
thrusts his hand forward, gripping Ted by the throat, and leads him to
I am an upset man, Theodore.
How do you know my name, sir?
I'm psychic, Theodore.
Look my name is Ted, actually, and I have no idea what's
going on here, but I've obviously come at a bad time.
Let's not belabor the fact that you have no sense of timing,
Theodore. The fact is you're here.
Sigfried turns to Angela.
And I couldn't think of a better time for you to introduce
me to your beau than on New Year's Eve.
Oh fuck, there's a mistake. You're fucking wrong here. My
name is Theodore, yes! My mother named me that and I
hate the name. But I'm a fucking bellhop. People call me
Ted. I work here.
Suddenly, with great force, Sigfried slams the butt of his pistol smack
into Ted's temple, sending him to the floor. Ted looks up at Sigfried in
Look, I'd love to sit here all night with you talking about
things like when you broke in your first mitt--
That was insensitive of me, wasn't it, T H E O D O R E?
But let's cut to the chase, okay?
A tense silence fills the room. All eyes are on Ted, who can't figure out
what the fuck this guy wants.
Sigfried looks hard with disbelief at Ted, who winces back.
You are really beginning to annoy me, Theodore.
Sigfried throws another handful of pills into his mouth.
Look, obviously you two are working something out and if I
could help you with your problem I would.
What are you saying? Are you saying I got a problem? Are
you trying to say I don't give her what she needs? That I'm
Look, is this about another man? Or something?
Ted has struck a raw nerve. Sigfried's mood swings drastically; he bends
down next to Ted.
Let's get our ABC's right, here, Theodore. Theodore, right?
Ted, okay . . . Are you saying my wife cheats on me?
I didn't say that . . . I . . .
Oh, for Christ's sake, Theodore, this is about as intimate a
situation as you can get, you, me, and Angela here. It's
pretty cozy. To say nothing of how stupid an idea it is to lie
to a man with a loaded gun without considering the possible
response. I demand an apology!
The phone rings.
Don't move. I've got to take this.
Sigfried glances at it. Then to Angela. He picks up the phone.
We ain't got any needles here, kid. Just a big fucking gun.
He listens to the other line, says good-bye, and hangs up.
Now, where was I? Oh yeah, I remember.
Sigfried kneels next to Ted and assumes a prayer position.
I want you to pray for forgiveness, Theodore.
Sigfried, hands clasped together, signals for Ted to do the same. The gun
lies at his side. Ted considers a bold move, but thinks better of it.
Sigfried's eyes pop open. He cuts a look to Ted, signaling him to assume
Now say after me, "I apologize . . ."
I apologize . . .
Ted looks to Angela for help. She can only stare back with intense,
For fucking what?
That I said you might have been unfaithful?
"That I said you might have been unfaithful?" Listen, Theodore,
you're in church here . . . you're kneeling in front of an altar.
Truth . . . truth is all it hears. Say the following, "I, Theodore,
must humbly and sincerely apologize for saying that you
fucked another man!"
Ted repeats what Sigfried has told him. This appears to have a calming
effect on Sigfried, who gets up off the floor, turning his face to Angela.
Do you accept the fucking apology?
Naturally, Angela says nothing.
You always gotta get the last word, don't you? It's one way
with you, Angela, isn't it? I give and I give and I get nothing back.
Sigfried turns to Ted.
She just sits there waiting for me to jump through hoops . . . .
Angela attempts to speak through the gag. Both men wait with bated breath
for a response. Sigfried's had enough.
Stupid me, for a second I thought you were going to say
something . . . something like, "I'm sorry." HA! "I'm
sorry." You're absolutely right, love cakes, I wouldn't want
it that way. That's one thing you can say about Angela.
She'll never do anything she doesn't want to do. If the feeling
ain't there, she just isn't going to do it. There is nothing in
this world as fucked as a woman who gives when she doesn't
want to. Never let that happen to you, Theodore. It makes
you feel very little indeed.
Ted beckons Sigfried.
You mind if I . . . ?
Go ahead. Spit it out.
I don't mean to upset you further, sir, but I think she was
trying to say yes.
Are you condescending to me, Theodore?
Absolutely not, I would never do that.
Why don't you just say it?
That you think I'm an idiot.
I would never say that.
You think you're superior to me, don't ya, Theodore? You
don't think I notice there is a gag in the woman's mouth.
Of course you do.
Naturally "of course." And do you know how I know that?
Because I PUT THE GAG IN HER MOUTH! I'm gonna let
you in on a little secret about communication, Theodore.
It's all in the eyes . . .
(points the gun at Ted)
(turns the gun on himself)
Or me? Him or me? No one? Okay. Let's drag it out.
Sigfried empties the last of the pills into his mouth, heaving the empty
bottle over his shoulder. He takes off, disappearing into the bathroom.
INT. ROOM 404
Ted finds himself alone with Angela. They lock eyes. Angela implores Ted to
lean forward. Ted sizes up the situation: His chances of making it to the
door are slim due to the fact that he would have to pass by the bathroom
door. Ted paces back and forth in front of Angela, who struggles to get his
attention. He whips around and they face off in what appears to be a game
of charades. Ted finally gets the point and cautiously removes the gag from
Angela's mouth. Angela spits an old sock out.
We don't have time to play charades here, asshole! Untie
Listen, lady, I don't know what in the hell is going on here,
but I'd appreciate it if you would explain to that nutcase
that he's making a big mistake.
Look, whether you like it or not, you're in the middle of a
situation here you can't just wish your way out of.
But I've never seen you people before, we're complete strangers.
Everyone starts out strangers, Ted, it's where we end up
that counts. Hurry up.
Ted wrestles with the idea of whether to untie Angela or not.
I don't know if I can do this. It's too hard.
Life is hard, Ted. You ever stopped to consider how many
times you change your underwear in a lifetime?
On nervous impulse, Ted begins the calculations.
I don't mean literally, you ignoramus.
Forget it, listen to me. There's a gun in my suitcase behind
the bed, it's loaded . . .
I'm not going to shoot anybody.
Fine. Get the gun and I'll shoot "anybody."
And make me an accessory in the murder of your husband?
Ted collapses to his knees in front of Angela.
That's not fair. It just isn't fair.
Get a fucking grip on yourself. First off, who says he's my
husband? And second, we are a long way from fair here,
fair is back in jolly old England eatin' crumpets and sipping
Ted collects himself.
Tut. Tut. Tut. Not so fast. Well, maybe there are two sides
to this thing.
There are two sides to a plate, still you only eat off of one.
Now GET THE GUN!
So why's he got you tied up?
I'm a werewolf, Ted! Get the gun!
Ted is at a loss as to what to do. Angela turns on the charm.
Come on, Ted. Come over here just for a minute. You can
do it. Come on, Ted. You look like a good guy.
Ted creeps towards her.
That's it, Teddy. You look so much more attractive when
Sigfried suddenly comes to life . . . . He's heard from the bathroom
belting out "Life is but a dream . . . she-boom, she-boom."
Quick, he's coming back. Put the gag back in, and
remember the gun!
Ted hurries to replace the sock in her mouth.
Nine thousand, three hundred and twenty-two times, to the
best of my estimation.
INT. ROOM 404
Sigfried coughs, sending a chill up Ted's spine. Ted whips around to
discover Sigfried leaning up against the door to the bathroom.
I was just beginning to think I could trust you, Theodore.
Ted's fingers are frozen over Angela's lips.
I was just trying to help her breathe a little.
Don't let me stop you, Teddy. You don't mind me calling
you Teddy, do you?
I used to have a little bunny rabbit named Teddy, it looked
real cute nibbling on Angela's ear. Only problem here is
you're no bunny rabbit, Theodore, and it really fuckin'
razzes me to picture you doin' it. But don't let me stop you,
Teddy . . . no need to play sneaky-poo.
Ted starts to back toward the door.
Look, man, if this is some kind of Voodoo thing and you
want me to have sex with your wife, there is absolutely no
(shouts at the top of his lungs)
I said, nibble, asshole! Now!
The directness of Sigfried's command, coupled with the SOUND of a trigger
being cocked, forces Ted to approach Angela. Angela is a stunning beauty,
and Ted being kind of a shy guy makes for an awkward situation. Ted leans
forward. As he closes in, Angela's eyes close.
Ted pulls up short of actually nibbling on Angela.
What's the matter, no whiz left in the cheese? I'm not
cramping your style, am I?
Look, I'm not playing this game anymore.
Sigfried yanks Ted backwards. He wraps his arms around him.
It's almost all over, Theodore, and soon you can go home to
Ted struggles to free himself from Sigfried's powerful bear hug and blasts
out the following monologue.
My name is not Theodore, it's TED, TED, TED,
T . . . E . . . D . . . . TED . . . . NOT TEDDY, NOT
THEODORE . . . TED . . . . Yes, my mother did me the
service of naming me Theodore and I haven't a clue as to
how you know that because everyone who knows that lives
a long way away from here. Do you have any idea what it's
like to go to school where all the other kids' parents are in
jail doing time for crimes like grand larceny, aggravated
assault, burglary and murder, and you get stuck with a
mother who names you Theodore and dressed you up in
little matching pink outfits with, get this, a little blue bow
fucking tie! Well, I'll tell you what happens. Pretty soon
Theodore becomes "Theo the Thumper," and when Theo
the Thumper gets old enough, he packs his bags and
goes thousands of miles away where he can put the whole
bloody mess behind him. So, if you don't mind, shoot me
now, because no one is going to call me that again. My
name is Ted, okay? Got it? TED!
Sigfried has followed the entire tirade in stunned silence. He takes a step
toward Ted and offers him his hand.
My name is Sigfried.
Sigfried cuts a "Something wrong with that?" look at Ted.
Nice to meet you, Sigfried.
Ted cautiously takes Sigfried's hand.
Very impressive, Ted. "Theo the Thumper?" . . . Ouch. It's
a deal, kid. Ted it will be.
Sigfried holds onto Ted's hand. The soft sound of distant fireworks pops in
the background. Car horns and a muffled countdown signal that it's New
Year's. Sigfried moves uncomfortably close to Ted and from out of nowhere
bolts forward, planting a wet kiss right on Ted's mouth. Something snaps in
Sigfried. He is either really getting off on this or he is caught in the
grips of a seizure. He doubles back on the floors. Ted and Angela watch as
he flops around like a flounder with the cocked gun waving all over the
place. Ted wipes his mouth with his jacket sleeve while trying to dodge the
barrel of the gun.
You okay, mister? I'll get help!
Sigfried manages to steady the gun and point it directly at Ted. He signals
for Ted to go to the bathroom.
That's the wrong door, sir.
Sigfried grabs Ted by the leg and shove the barrel of the gun into his
crotch. Sigfried pulls Ted's face closer to his.
Get me the nitro . . . it's in the bathroom cabinet. Now!
Ted rushes into the bathroom, leaving Sigfried a babbling mess behind.
INT. BATHROOM--SAME TIME
Ted enters the bathroom, which appears shaken by an earthquake. Towels and
wet clothes are all over the place. An evening gown is flushed halfway down
the toilet and pills are everywhere. Sigfried is shouting from the other
room to hurry. Ted checks the cabinet, searching for a bottle marked
"Nitro." No luck. Ted spots a small window set above the toilet.
He figures this is the best chance he's got to make a break.
Ted goes for it. He manages to get his head and one arm through the window
before he gets stuck. His legs dangle in the bathroom. Struggle as he may,
he can only hit the toilet-bowl lever, which sends a loud FLUSH SOUND out
through the apartment.
(shouting in the distance)
It's no time to take a leak, Teddy, I'm fucking dying here!
EXT. BATHROOM WINDOW--NIGHT
Outside the window, Ted's in another world. He's almost safe. It's a
strange feeling, kind of like bathing in warm water in paradise, knowing a
huge shark is ready to rip his ass off. He can see the flickering red
glowing light from the witches' room from the floor below.
EXT. BATHROOM WINDOW AND BELOW--NIGHT
Ted sees Eva bopping naked past the window. He shouts her name out, to no
avail. The MUSIC drowns out his voice and they ignore his calls for help.
The blood rushes to his head. He lets himself hang there for a moment. He
wonders how many other people have found themselves in situations like this
before him. Probably everyone. Right next to his face, Ted recognizes a
bloody hand print. It's not his blood.
EXT. BATHROOM WINDOW AND ABOVE--NIGHT
Ted hears a sound from above and twists himself around, spotting a young
man (previously seen as the Yuppie Scumbag on the phone) leaning out of the
window directly above him. After a quick moment of sizing him up, Ted
Hi . . .
No answer. Something's wrong with the guy, all the blood is drained from
his face and he is mumbling something.
Listen, I'm stuck here in a situation that I can't even begin
to explain, but would you be so kind as to get help? Could
you call the police, please?
The young man manages to belt out the word "ice" just before hurling a
mouthful of vomit toward Ted. It takes all Ted's strength to dodge the puke
and pull himself back into the bathroom. He falls back on the floor.
He props himself up and checks for damage. He notices something odd . . .
the room is silent. No Sigfried. He walks into the bedroom.
INT. HOTEL BEDROOM--MOMENTS LATER
Ted looks around the still room. No one's there.
He heads toward the door and, from out of the corner of his eye, he spots
Sigfried's hairy leg. Sigfried has passed out on the floor. Angela's chair
has been knocked on its side. Ted races over to help lift her back up. He
pulls the gag from her mouth. Angela jumps all over him.
Where's the fucking nitro?
I couldn't find it!
You took long enough. Untie me, for Christ's sake, you
fucking upset him and he's dying.
Ted struggles to untie Angela.
I thought you wanted to kill him.
You'd make a great cop, Theodore.
The knots are all over the place and a real bitch to untie.
I can't handle this alone, I'd better get help.
Ted turns on a dime and runs smack into Sigfried, who's been taking in the
I tie a pretty good knot, don't I, Ted?
Thank God you're okay . . .
Never felt better.
Angela hears Sigfried's voice from behind her back.
Come on, honey, don't get mad. It was just a little test, and
I'm glad I did it because now I'll know forever that you
really do love me. Truly and deeply.
If the simple fact that I didn't want your bloated, dead body
lying out on the floor is love, then no wonder we find
ourselves as we are at this very fucking moment.
Oh, no. I heard you and there was genuine care in that
voice. Can't be denied. Can it, Ted?
I think you're right and, if you just keep this kind of open
dialogue going, you'll go a long way to resolving this misunderstanding.
Ted edges his way toward the door.
You'd be surprised what happens when people just listen to
each other without succumbing to all that pain and anger.
You heard shit, monkey boy. Easy for you to say after you
fuck another man's wife. You should at least have the guts
to stand by your convictions.
Sigfried turns an icy eye on Ted, who has given up all hope of ever getting
out of the room.
That's a lie, Sigfried. I swear to God.
Angela continues her tirade.
When I think of all the times you were inside me promising
me a better life, it makes me want to puke.
Sigfried slowly raises his gun, pointing it directly at Ted's chest.
Why are you doing this? What have I ever done to you people?
What didn't you do, stick man? Unfortunately, you don't
have the balls to back up the actions of your huge cock.
The words hit Sigfried like bullets to the chest . . . his legs weaken.
He's got a huge cock?
She's lying again, mister. It's not that big.
Show it to me.
Come on, man, she's lying. Can't you see she's fucking with you?
Put it this way, God made up for what he did to Gumby
with Ted here.
Show it to me.
Show him your cock, Theodore.
Sigfried runs over to Angela and kneels in front of her.
Stop talking about his cock, will you?!
It's hard to stop talking about something so huge. I could
go on and on about his cock, bone, nob, bishop, wang,
thang, hotrod. Hump mobile, Oscar, dong, dagger, banana,
cucumber, salami. Sausage, kielbasa, schlong, dink, tool,
Big Ben, Mister Happy, prick, disk, pecker, peter, pee-pee,
wee-wee, weiner, pisser, pistol, joint, hose, horn, middle-
leg, third-leg, meat, stick, joystick, dipstick.
Angela is on a roll. She fires the words at Sigfried, hitting him
pointblank. He staggers. He pleads with her to stop, covering his ears. Ted
watches the man crumble.
Junior, the little head, little guy, Rumple Foreskin, Tootsie
Roll. Snake, one-eyed monster, one-eyed wonder, shaft,
sword, meat whistle, skin flute, love muscle, Roto-Rooter,
instrument, banger, rammer, ramrod, cherrypicker, log,
Sigfried tries jamming the sock back in her mouth to stop the flow; she
manages to give him a "fuck of a bite" in the process. Meanwhile, Ted
figures this to be his moment to make a move and bolts for the door, only
to be tackled by Sigfried at the one-yard line. After a struggle, the two
men rest on the floor, catching their breath in a relaxed embrace.
Please, don't leave me. I'll call you Ted from now on.
It's not me, mister, I swear.
Personally, I don't give a fuck, Ted, it's just I don't want to
be alone right now. I'm feeling a little vulnerable.
Sigfried heaves the gun over his shoulder, grabs a half-empty bottle of
Jack Daniel's, and passes it to Ted, who takes a hit.
No guns, okay? Just you and me, Ted. You know my father
used to say that forgiveness is the only thing that evil can't
sink its teeth into.
Kind of nice down here on the floor, isn't it, Ted?
Things take on a whole new perspective . . . . You'd like my
trust, wouldn't you, Ted?
Yes I would.
I just got one thing to ask you and I'll let you go.
Tell me straight now.
What was it like?
What was what like?
You know, you and her.
Oh, for fuck sake, Sigfried, what do you want me to say?
Either way you're fucked, right? You ever gonna see her
If I ever saw her again, I'd run the other way.
Sigfried releases Ted and stands up.
You're lying, but I can respect that, Ted. If you told me, it
would no longer be a secret, and secrets have a power, kid.
You open that box and they disappear forever. A bad secret
will rip you apart, but the good one are all you got. In the
end, when all the people you knew are dead and gone, all you'll
have left are you secrets. And when you die, the box is open
and it all blows away--dust to dust--all the anger, jealousy,
desire and love just blow away.
Sigfried throws his hand out to help Ted up.
So you know what I say, let's call it a truce, kiddo.
Sigfried takes Ted by the hand and leads him to an open window. Ted is
overcome by the sweetness in Sigfried's voice and follows him to the window
willingly. The two men look out into the dark Los Angeles night.
I'm a man of love, Theodore. Love is all I live for.
I can see that.
Maybe to a fault.
Don't beat yourself up over it.
That's nice of you to say, Ted, but I probably should make
a clean break of it, cut her loose and get my own place. I
just can't imagine living without her. Do you think I should
seek professional help?
It's not for everyone, but maybe in your case it could help.
You ever been out on the ocean at night?
Ted shakes his head.
I have . . . scary as a motherfucker, all that darkness around
you. It's like a big black carpet rolled out as far as the eye
can see. Sometimes, if you're lucky, you'll see a light. It
could be as small as a little spark, but it will cut a path
straight through all that blackness, straight to you. It could
be another boat, or some distant fire on an island, but that
light will shed a shining path of diamonds cutting through
mile after mile of darkness to lie at your feet. That's love,
Ted, it's like a path of light in an ocean of darkness.
Ted and Sigfried stare out of the window in peace, transfixed by the
glimmering lights of the city. A loud SHOT rings out, shattering the still
moment. The two men spin around. Angela stands there with a smoking gun
hanging at her side. Sigfried drops to his knees. Ted checks him out, no
blood. Angela has fired the gun into the floor below. Ted looks up at
Angela. Angela opens the chamber of the pistol and hands the bullets to
You'd better go check to see if I killed anybody downstairs.
Sigfried is bent over, silently weeping on the floor.
You people gonna be okay?
Angela sits next to Sigfried and gently strokes his back.
We're fine, Ted.
Ted points to a tray with half-eaten food on it.
Would you like me to . . . ?
Another time, Ted.
Ted slowly walks toward the door and takes one last look at the strange
couple at rest in the corner of the room before closing the door behind
INT. HALLWAY--MOMENTS LATER
Ted walks down the hallway, lost in thought. An energetic Young Guy with a
bouquet of flowers plows into him.
Happy New Year, buddy.
Happy New Year.
I was just in room 404, what a party! You know where room 409 is at?
Beats me. It's somewhere around here.
The guy takes off in the direction Ted's walking from. Ted suddenly
realizes who this guy is and whips around, shouting to the Young Guy.
Hey, what's your name?
The door SLAMS on room 409.
FADE TO BLACK
STORY TITLE CARD:
THE FRONT DESK
SUPER: 10:30 p.m.
Ted is relaxing at the front desk. He breathes slowly. He finally has one
moment's peace after an already long night. He even has a chance to
straighten his tie.
The phone RINGS.
CLOSE-UP of a cigarette hanging out of a Man's mouth as he speaks into the
Bottle of Moet et Chandon. Fast.
Man hangs up the phone and stubs out his cigarette into an already
overstuffed ashtray by the bed. Man turns around to face the camera. He is
a dark and handsome Latin male in his mid-30s. Dangerous. Impatient.
He walks toward the camera as he continues straightening his tie.
He stops at the door of the bathroom and watches his Wife and two kids get
ready for the party. Wife seems to be a beautiful woman in her mid-30s. The
children are Sarah, nine, and Juancho, six.
Man strikes up another cigarette and finishes his tie.
He watches his Wife comb Juancho's hair down and to the side like an idiot.
Not being able to stand it anymore, Man tears Juancho away from his Wife
and snatches the comb.
Give me that . . .
Man begins to slick Juancho's hair back.
There . . . see? You look cool with your hair up like this.
Like me . . . .
Juancho is smiling now. He's happy he's going to look like his dad.
Not down and to the side, all stupid like your mom likes to
Juancho looks over at Sarah, who is going through the tortuous ritual of
having her mother brush the tangles out of her long, unmanageable hair.
Wife seems to be taking out her aggressions on the tangled mess.
Man is starting to have problems of his own with Juancho's hair. Juancho's
hair is thinner than Man's, so it won't stay up.
Man puts down his cigarette in order to get a better handle on it. We see
the frustration growing in his face.
Juancho picks up the cigarette and pretends he's smoking too, just like his
Man tears the cigarette away from Juancho and smokes it down to the filter.
He looks at his own cool hair, and then down at Juancho's, which won't stay
Man flicks the cigarette butt into the toilet in frustration.
You've got your mother's hair.
In anger, Man starts messing up Juancho's hair.
I can't do anything with it.
Furious, Man simply swipes Juancho's hair back down and to the side, the
way Wife had it before. Juancho looks like an idiot again.
Juancho slouches past everyone as he exits the bathroom.
Sarah watches him leave as her own hair is finished.
(putting a plastic clip in Sarah's hair)
Wife then finishes her own gorgeous hair. Man lights up a new cigarette.
So, are we gonna have fun tonight?
Man blows smoke in Wife's face as he walks out of the bathroom.
I didn't think so.
Sarah has joined Juancho in watching television.
Man watches the children watch TV. We can see the wheels turning in Man's
He turns back to the bathroom.
He watches Wife now. Wheels turning. Practically burning rubber.
Wife puts the lipstick down and turns to her husband. She is beautiful.
Let's just leave the kids here.
Wife glances out at the children, eyes glued to the tube.
Here in the room? By themselves?
No . . . with the television.
Wife thinks about it for a second. She shrugs a "sure."
You want to have fun tonight, don't you?
They'll be fine.
He kisses Wife's face and exits the bathroom. She covers the wet spot with
more cake makeup.
The children turn to face him.
You guys are going to stay here and watch TV.
The children look at each other.
I want you to be in bed asleep before twelve. Your mother
and I will be back later on.
Wife goes straight for the door.
He blows one kiss. One for both of them.
As Man and his Wife walk out the door, Man turns back to the children . . .
He closes the door.
Sarah stands in the middle of the room. She's looking at the door Man and
Wife just disappeared through. Stunned.
Her dress looks frilly and beautifully uncomfortable. She touches the edges
of the fabric.
Why did we have to get all dressed up if we weren't going
Man and Wife are walking down the hall.
Man stops in his tracks. Wife stops too and looks at Man. They wait.
Juancho shuts off the television. He drops the remote to the floor. His
attention is on the fireworks outside. He leaps to the window and begins
What are you doing?
Escaping. Stinks in here, anyway.
Man bursts through the door of the hotel room and stands in the doorway,
glaring at the mischievous Juancho.
Juancho bangs his head on the window trying to get back inside. He leaps to
the floor and tries to turn on the TV with the remote.
What did I say?
Juancho turns to Man as if he'd been sitting there watching television the
Ted appears at the door with Man's champagne.
The champagne you ordered, sir.
No time for this. Leave it on ice.
Ted proceeds to place the champagne in the room.
But I want some now . . .
Ted is torn. Man pushes him into the room.
There'll be plenty for you and the party, baby, you can bomb
yourself all you want at the party.
What a waste.
Ted places the bucket near the bed. After setting up the bottle, he turns
to leave, but now Man closes the door, trapping Ted inside with them.
Ted looks around, bewildered. Now what?
Man is reaching into his coat pocket.
You want five hundred bucks?
Man hesitates a moment, then pulls out his wallet. That was too easy.
How about three?
My children are staying here tonight watching TV. I want
you to check up on them every thirty minutes.
Check up on 'em?
Make sure they're all right, make sure they're fed, make
sure they go to bed.
We can call out and hire a babysitter.
I don't trust babysitters. My children are safer alone than
with some fucked-up pedophile babysitter I don't know
from the man in the fucking moon.
What about him? What makes you think you can trust him?
Man grabs Ted's face and tilts it torward Wife.
Tell me that's not a face you can trust.
Man lets go of Ted's face. He feels his jaw. It's still there.
Look, sir, I'd like to help you out, but I really can't. I'm all
alone here tonight.
Man whips out his wallet and counts out money in Ted's face.
One hundred . . . two hundred . . . three hundred . . .
I thought you said five hundred.
Man glares at Ted.
I said three hundred.
Ted doesn't back down.
No, you distinctly said five hundred.
The angrier Man gets, the quieter he talks.
You calling me a liar?
Ted, while not backing down, massages the situation.
No, I'm not saying you're lying. I'm saying you accidentally
forgot that what you first said was five hundred.
Man has never been challenged like this by a fuckin' bellboy.
I don't do anything accidentally, jerk. I might've first said
five hundred, but what I last said was three hundred, and
what you say last is what counts.
Ted not only doesn't back down, but psychologically pokes his finger in the
scary Man's chest.
Well then, if you say five hundred one last time, we got a deal.
Man's eyes narrow. He physically pokes his finger in Ted's chest.
You fuckin' with me, Pendejo?
Now Ted takes a step backwards.
No, not at all. It's New Year's Eve and I'm here alone. If
there was somebody else here, no problem, but I'm by myself.
And looking after your kids is a pain in the ass I don't need--
You callin' my kids a pain in the ass?
--No, they're not a pain in the ass, it's the situation that's
a pain in the ass.
Man drops the tenseness.
No, you were right the first time. You win, tough guy, five hundred.
Man respects Ted for not backing down, but not insulting him either. A
skill Man never learned. Wife shoots a look at the children.
You kids are getting expensive.
Juancho turns back to the TV.
Sarah stares down Wife.
(looking at name tag)
What's your name? Ted?
CLOSE-UP of name tag.
Yeah. It's Ted.
Man tears off Ted's name tag and throws it to children.
(to the children)
His name is Ted. If you need anything, dial 0 and ask for Ted.
Sarah catches the name tag and reads the name on it: "TED--BELLHOP."
Sarah looks up at Ted. She clips the pin to her dress and smiles shyly at
Man puts the money in Ted's pocket and then grabs his ear, pulling him
If something happens to my children, I wouldn't want to be you.
Make sure they're in bed before midnight.
Before midnight? Then should I wake them up for the
countdown to the New Year?
Wife looks disgusted.
No . . .
As Man and Wife exit, he turns to the kids and says:
Man closes the door.
Man and Wife book it down the hall before Ted can change his mind.
Ted is standing facing the door the Man and Wife just disappeared through.
He turns around slowly to face the children.
His eyes are wide. His face is quiet. Stern.
The children are staring at him.
Okay. These are the rules. Don't break the rules and I won't
break your necks.
The kids look at each other.
I always wanted to say that. Someone said that to me when
I was a kid.
Sarah laughs at his joke.
Except they were joking. I'm not.
Ted goes to the door.
The rules are simple. Don't do anything you wouldn't do if
your parents were here. If there's an emergency, call me on
the phone, like your dad said.
That's not what he said.
Ted's surprised by a challenge this early in the game.
He said to call if we need anything.
Well, I've got a lot of work to do and I can't have you calling
me every time you want a drink of water, so please limit
your calls to emergencies only.
We paid you five hundred dollars. We'll call you if we need
anything. You don't want to upset my dad.
Okay. Please. Try to call only when necessary. Watch TV,
and if you're good, I'll bring up some milk and cookies. Bye.
Ted walks briskly down the hall, counting his money the whole way.
INT. ROOM 716
Juancho takes off his socks and shoes and throws them onto the floor. Sarah
looks at the discarded shoes and socks.
CLOSE ON the shoes and socks.
Sarah looks over at Juancho's bare feet. Her nose twitches.
Your feet stink.
Juancho smells his feet.
They don't stink.
Sarah throws his shoes and socks behind her. They land on the bed.
Juancho is flipping channels and finds an interesting show.
Check it out. T & A.
Sarah realizes he found a Nudie station.
Change it. You're not supposed to watch this.
We're supposed to watch TV.
Not this kind of TV. Change it.
Juancho rolls up in a ball, the remote tucked in some recess of his
Sarah hits him, then goes to the phone. She punches 0, sits on the bed, and
checks the name on the name tag pinned to her shirt.
Ted walks up to the front desk just as the phone rings.
INT. ROOM 716
Sarah is taking off her white winter tights.
Ted? Hi. It's me, Sarah. You're our sitter for tonight.
Oh, Jesus, what did I tell you? I said if you don't bother me,
you'll get milk and cookies. Now, do you want them or do you not?
I want you to turn off the Nudie station in our room.
Ted checks the computer.
(reading stats on room 716)
I can't turn on an adult station without permission from
(struggling with winter tights)
Not turn it on, turn it off. It's already on.
That's not what the machine tells me.
Well, stop listening to the machine and listen to me.
There's naked ladies dancing on my TV and I want 'em off.
If you're good, you'll get milk and cookies, so leave me
alone, please. I'll be up later to put you both to sleep.
He hangs up.
Angry, Sarah slams down the phone. She has an unusually adult temper. We
know where she gets it from. She looks up and sees that the nudies are
still in full force.
Change the channel, now!
Juancho turns around. He has a face like someone just laid a fart in his
Man, you're the one with the stinky feet.
Sarah smells her feet. Twice.
They don't stink.
Yeah, they do.
Here, smell for yourself.
She sticks her foot out for Juancho to smell. He's reluctant. Fearful.
He slowly, very slowly . . . climbs onto the bed and lowers his head to her
foot. Very slowly.
Sarah waits until he's close enough to her foot before she kicks him in the
face, sending him somersaulting off the bed and crashing to the floor.
She grabs the remote control he left behind and changes the channel to a
Juancho gets up and realizes his defeat. He decides to wander about.
Looking for something to do . . .
Sarah tries to ignore him as he stalks the room. It's only a matter of time
before he finds mischief.
Juancho sees the champagne bucket and Bingo!, he goes for the bottle.
(holding up the bottle)
Hey, get a bottle opener!
Sarah opens her mouth, as if about to tell him to leave the champagne
alone. She stops herself when she realizes she wants some champagne too.
She quickly scrambles about for a bottle opener while Juancho unwraps the
Sarah opens the dresser drawer with such force that a few hidden contents
long forgotten in the back of the drawer slide forward.
Some coins, a paperclip, and a hypodermic needle. She looks down at the
needle that lays beside the Gideon Bible and casually picks the phone back
up and punches 0. The phone rings.
Ted, bucket of ice in his hand, gets ready to go to room 404. As he crosses
the desk, the phone rings. He looks at the board and see room 716's light
blinking. He sighs in exasperation.
INT. ROOM 716
Sarah sees Juancho shaking the champagne bottle violently.
Don't shake it!
Ted? Hi. It's me. Sarah.
Yeah. Who died? No one? Then don't call me.
I thought I'd tell you that your cleaning ladies are doing
a bum job. There's all kinds of leftover stuff around here.
Sarah picks up the needle and rolls it over in her hand several times.
Needles and things. We're not supposed to have needles
here, are we? I mean, they don't come with the room, do
they? Send someone up here to clean this place up right.
The champagne bottle explodes all over Juancho. He looks surprised.
I TOLD YOU NOT TO SHAKE IT!
I gotta go. My brother just exploded the champagne all over
the room. Oh, and bring us a couple of toothbrushes.
There's a card in the bathroom that says you'll bring free
toothbrushes if we ask for them.
She hangs up.
A frustrated Ted hangs up the phone. He walks briskly to the elevator.
Sarah and Juancho are pouring themselves champagne. They turn up the
television and drink. Juancho shudders at the taste, but tries to drink as
much as Sarah.
Sarah clearly doesn't like it, but tries to pretend she does.
Sarah picks up an instruction card near the phone to see how to make
I'm calling another room, give me three numbers.
Sarah punches in the room number. The phone rings.
She holds the needle up to the light to examine it.
Hello? Hi. You don't know me, and I don't know you, but
. . . do you have any needles? We've got needles here and
I was wondering if they come with the room or not. Don't
have any? Thanks. Just checking.
She hangs up.
Juancho puts down his champagne glass and searches his father's coat
pocket. He finds a pack of cigarettes and takes one out. He puts it in his
mouth and pretends to smoke.
Sarah checks out the hypodermic needle carefully. She has an idea.
In the bathroom, Sarah seeks out her mother's lipstick.
Sarah stands atop the chest of drawers and uses the lipstick to draw a
bull's-eye on one of the hotel art paintings. She writes numbers next to
each circle representing points.
Juancho is standing at the foot of the bed, cigarette hanging out of his
mouth, as he practices his dart-throwing technique.
(pointing out the rules)
The center is the bull's eye, 100 points, this one's 10
points, this one's 20 points.
WHACK! The needle lands an inch from her face in the 20-point slot.
Hey, wait a minute. Let me get out of the way!
Sarah, a little tipsy now, grabs the needle and staggers to the bed. She
hears the key in the doorway and throws the needle into the curtain to hide
Ted enters the room, somewhat disheveled from his encounter with Sigfried.
He has a tray and a new bottle of champagne.
He puts the champagne bottle into the empty bucket. He spots the original
bottle lying on the floor half empty and dripping into the carpet.
I brought you some milk and cookies. If you want some you
have to eat them now, because you're going to sleep.
We're going to sleep now?
Your parents said put you to bed before midnight. Well, it's
before midnight. Maybe that way you'll leave me alone.
Those aren't milk and cookies.
We were out of cookies, so I brought you milk and Saltines.
Don't complain! Now hurry up and eat. You're going to bed
Juancho bites into a Saltine. Sarah simply examines one.
These are old.
Dip 'em in the milk! The milk will make them soft.
Sarah gives up and throws the cracker back onto the tray. She's a little
Ted picks up the ruined champagne bottle.
Juancho dips his crackers and eats them. He makes a face and drops a soggy
cracker onto the tray.
No crackers? Okay, fine. Sleepy time. Now, I don't want
you guys wandering around, so if you need to go to the
restroom, go now.
They go to the bathroom. Ted sits on the bed. Waits.
He sees the painting on the wall but can't figure out what's different
about it. The red lipstick blends right into the aesthetic value of the
Ted smells something funny. He looks down and sees the socks on the bed. He
grabs a fork from the tray and uses it to throw the socks across the room.
The kids come back out.
What about our pajamas?
You wanna look nice in case there's an earthquake,
The children nod.
Okay. Then stay in those clothes.
The kids lie on the bed.
Sarah notices a jar of Mentholatum ointment on the dinner tray.
Oh, this is just some Mentholatum ointment. Come on,
under the covers. Close your eyes and I'll tell you a story.
The children close their eyes. Ted opens the jar of the ointment and sniffs
it. Strong stuff by the look on his face.
Your dad says he doesn't trust babysitters. I don't blame
him. You know what my babysitter did to me once?
I never told my parents, either.
The children lie in the bed, eyes closed, listening intently.
Tep dips his fingers in the jar of vaporous ointment.
I hated going to sleep. You know, it's nighttime and you
wanna run around and act crazy. So what my babysitter
did to make sure I'd go to sleep and not be tempted to get
up, was, she'd take some of this vapor rub stuff . . . Can
you smell this?
Eyes closed, the kids inhale. They smell the ointment and nod yes.
Well, she'd just dab a little of this over each eyelid, so that
I would be sure and keep my eyes closed all night.
Ted is spreading the ointment over their eyelids as he says this.
There. Now you've got some, too! Don't open your eyes or
it'll burrrn, burn, burn. The smell helps clear your sinuses
too, so it's doing double duty.
What happens when it's morning?
If you keep your eyes closed all night, it will wear off by
morning. But DON'T OPEN YOUR EYES BEFORE
THAT . . . .
Did you ever open your eyes?
Extreme CLOSE-UP on Ted's eyes.
Yes . . . I did.
The children are quiet.
And now look at me.
Good. You'll do just fine. Sleep well and I won't tell your
parents about the champagne.
AFTER A MOMENT OF DARKNESS
After a moment of darkness, the night is disturbed by the loud crashing of
fireworks outside the window.
Sarah sits up, eyes closed. Her face feels the warmth coming from the
window and she tilts her head toward it.
The light of the fireworks dances its reflections off her face.
She inhales deeply . . . then makes a sour face. She goes for the bathroom,
arms outstretched like a blind girl. She gets to the bathroom, turns on the
light, and searches for the sink.
She begins to wash the ointment off her eyes very carefully. She dries her
eyes thoroughly and opens them . . . checks them in the mirror. A little
red, but otherwise fine.
She goes back into the bedroom, turns on the television and grabs the new
champagne bottle. She shakes it violently.
Juancho wakes. He turns his head to her. His eyes are still closed.
Are you watching TV?
The champagne bottle explodes. She pours herself a glass.
Yep. If you wanna watch too, you have to go wash your face.
Juancho gets up smiling and tries to run to the bathroom. He slams into the
Be careful . . .
Juancho walks into the bathroom a little slower, more cautious.
Sarah pours herself another glass. She downs the glass and shudders.
She smells the bad smell again. Only now she really smells it.
She smells her feet. Nothing. She smells the champagne. Nothing.
Juancho enters the room and sits on the bed. Sarah grabs his foot and
smells it. She drops his foot.
Juancho stares blankly at her.
Sarah looks down at the mattress. She smells the mattress.
Juancho looks at her as if she's drunk.
Sarah leaps off the bed and turns on the room lights. She takes a huge swig
from the champagne bottle, then stalks toward the mattress.
Juancho leaps off the bed as well and stands back.
Sarah pulls the mattress off of the bedsprings enough to see what is
Juancho screams. Sarah is too stunned to scream. Stuffed into the
bedsprings is a woman's dead and beaten corpse.
Ted's phone ringing.
Ted looks at the phone as if pondering whether or not to answer it. He taps
his fingers. Finally he answers the phone.
What do you want now, for Christ's sake! Who died?
I don't know, but she's in my bed!
There's a dead body in my bed!
That's just your brother. Sound asleep.
No, there's a woman's dead body inside the bed, in the mattress.
You saw the body?
Impossible. You've got ointment on your eyes! You can't see
shit! Now go to sleep!
Ted hangs up the phone.
Godammit, go to sleep!
I washed it off . . .
You washed off the ointment?
Yeah, didn't you ever think to do that?
Ted is quiet on the line. Thinking.
Juancho lights up a cigarette for real and takes nervous puffs.
Sarah carries the phone over to Juancho and snatches the cigarette away
from him. She stuffs it in her own mouth and nervously takes a long drag on
You never tried it, did you? Then you agree I'm smarter
than you . . .
All right. Now you listen to me . . .
Get your ass up here and call the police, because there's a
dead body in my bed and it smells like shit and it looks
even worse, and if you don't help us, my dad is gonna lay
you down right next to her, I swear to fucking God!
She drinks from her champagne bottle. She's pulling the mattress back over
the corpse again.
She's drunk all right.
I'm coming up and if there isn't a dead body by the time
I get there, I'll make one myself. You!
Ted slams down the phone.
As he walks away from the counter, he spots the children's parents driving
up to the valet out front.
Ted breaks into a sprint and dives into a closing elevator.
Sarah continues to cover the body with the mattress.
Close on Ted's face as the elevator car races up seven floors.
The Man is carrying his drunk Wife through the lobby. Not happy.
Ted bursts into the room. He sees the disarray.
Ted pushes the champagne out of Sarah's hand, spilling it onto the floor.
What the fuck is going on??!!
He sees Juancho with the cigarette hanging out of his mouth and rips it
away from him. The butt goes flying onto the carpet near the spreading
Your parents are on their way up and I'm not taking
responsibility for this mess!
Check under the mattress!
For the body, can't you smell it?
It's your feet!
Sarah grabs the mattress and pulls it off herself.
Ted sees the rotting corpse.
Vomit spews out of Ted's mouth.
(gurgles through vomit-spewing lips)
Jesus fucking Christ! What the fuck is this?
He tears at the phone.
(into the phone)
Police, it's an emergency!
Hello, Police, this is the Mon Signor Hotel, get someone up
here right fucking now, there's a DEAD WHORE stuffed
under the mattress!
Tears well in Sarah's eyes as she looks at the body.
Don't call her that . . .
(into the phone)
I'm dead fucking serious, there's a dead fucking Whore
stuffed in the bedsprings of the fucking bed!
Stop calling her that!!
Sarah grabs the hypodermic needle from under the curtain and stabs it into
Sarah steps back, almost tripping over the champagne bottle. She picks up
the bottle and holds it defensively in case Ted tries to retaliate. Ted
spins around, now noticing the needle sticking out of his leg.
Juancho lights up another cigarette.
The champagne spill has spread to the fallen cigarette butt. The carpet
bursts into flames around the spill.
CUT OUTSIDE TO:
EXT. ROOM 716
CLOSE ON a key going into the keyhole outside.
Ted tries to pull the syringe out of his leg, but yanking it makes it break
in two, the plunger in his hand, and the needle still stuck in his leg.
Ted staggers and grabs hold of the dead woman's foot for support as he
steps on the remote control, flipping the TV on to the Nudie channel, just
as . . .
Man opens the door.
Man stands at the door, drunk Wife unconscious on one arm, the door knob in
the other hand. He's looking mean.
Man's POV: focused on the dead woman in the bedsprings. We pan up the dead
woman's leg to find Ted holding her foot. We pan down Ted's leg to find the
hypodermic needle jutting out . . . then pan over to the other hand holding
the broken syringe plunger.
We pan over to the Nudie channel, then down to the fire blazing behind the
children. Pan up to the dripping champagne bottle in Sarah's hand, then
over to the cigarette hanging out of Juancho's mouth. Juancho tosses his
cigarette out of his mouth to an area behind him. Another blaze starts
Man drops his Wife to the floor.
In the WIDE SHOT of Ted and the children, we see that the fireworks are
bursting big and bright outside the window behind them. Almost as bright as
the flames eating through the room.
Man simply glares at Ted. Finally Man speaks . . .
Did they misbehave?
Ted stares blankly at Man (the camera) as the sprinklers burst on . . .
drenching the room as the picture
FADES TO BLACK
FADE UP ON
INT. HOTEL LOBBY--NIGHT
SUPER: ONE MINUTE AFTER ROBERT'S STORY. TWENTY MINUTES BEFORE DAWN.
The elevator rides down to the lobby. The doors open and a wet, disheveled,
and frantic Ted steps out.
He staggers across the lobby to the reception desk. He grabs the phone.
INT. BETTY'S APT--ALMOST DAWN
The wild New Year's Eve party is winding down. Some Guests are passed out,
some are asleep, some are making out, two guys are playing Nintendo, a Girl
watches them. The phone RINGS. The Girl, who wears a "Guinness Stout"
T-shirt, answers the phone.
Happy New Year!
BACK TO TED: BACK AND FORTH
Let me speak to Betty.
Party's over, she probably went home.
She lives there.
Oh, well, I haven't seen 'em in a while.
Do you even know who I'm talking about?
Yeah . . . yeah . . . yeah . . . I know 'em, I know Eddy.
Betty, not Eddy.
Yeah . . . yeah . . . I know Betty too . . . Tall . . .
No, not particularly. She's got curly red hair.
No, no, no, no, no, I know, I know. Japanese girl.
She's not Japanese! I just said she had red hair.
Yeah . . . yeah . . . yeah . . . I know her.
Well, then get her on the phone, it's an emergency.
Who--who should I say's calling?
Tell 'em Teddy from work's on the phone, and it's a
major fuckin' emergency.
Gotcha, Betty from work.
Not Betty from work, I'm calling Betty! I'm Teddy.
Just say Ted.
Hi, Ted, I'm Margaret. You sound down. Has this not been
the happiest of New Year's?
(resigning himself to talking with Margaret)
No Margaret, this hasn't been my best New Year. This
year's starting off pretty badly.
Awww, how come?
Well, Betty--the chick whose house you're at, even though
you don't know her--leaves me here all by myself on New
Year's Eve. And first thing right off the bat, I'm fucked by
a coven of witches.
An oven full of witches fucked you? Is that like at the circus
when they stick all those clowns in an itty-bitty car?
A coven. A coven of witches. Well, one witch in particular.
Was she an old hag with a mole, with hair growing out of it?
No-no-no, she was . . . quite beautiful.
Margaret thinks for a moment.
What's the problem?
Well, admittedly, that was the best part of the night. It was
pretty fuckin' cool, actually. But it was still an unnerving
way to start off the night.
Sounds to me like a pretty great way to start off the night.
Okay, let's just skip over the witches.
--Skipping over the witches.
So, later, in another room, some crazy sucking maniac
sticks a gun in my face and forces me to play out some
psychosexual drama with his wife.
He made you have psycho sex with his wife?
No, he didn't make me fuck his wife, he thought I'd fucked
his wife! He held me at gunpoint with a loaded gun!
What kinda gun?
I don't know, I'm not a gun guy. It was big.
Like Dirty Harry's gun.
Yeah, something like that.
Did it have a real long barrel or a short barrel?
What difference does it make?
Well, for one thing it's the difference between a .44
Magnum and a Magnum .357.
Who cares if it was a .44 or a .392, it was a fuckin' loaded
gun, pointed at my fuckin' head!
Margaret takes this in.
You wanna skip over this part, too?
I want you to get Betty on the phone!
(yelling to the room)
Anybody live here named . . .
What's her name again?
The sleepy room stirs. Betty wakes up from the floor.
Yeah, whatcha screamin' about?
Yeah, I'm Betty, it's my fuckin' place, who the fuck are you?
(hands her the phone)
And this is Ted.
Betty takes the phone.
Ted, what's the problem?
What's the problem? I don't got a problem, I got fuckin'
problems! Wanna hear?
(yawning, wiping sleep from her eyes)
Well, most recently, there's room 716. There's a scary Mexican
gangster dude pokin' his finger in my chest. There's his hooligan
kids snapping their fingers at me. There's the putrid rotting corpse
of a dead whore stuffed in the springs of a bed. There're rooms
blazing afire . . . . There's a needle from God knows where stuck
in my leg, infecting me with God knows what, and finally, there's
me walking out the fuckin' door right now! Buenas noches.
A RINGING SOUND happens that we haven't heard before. Ted's head turns
It's the guest board. And the top light, the penthouse, is ringing. It
rings where all the others buzzed.
Betty can hear it distinctly on her side of the line. The sound fully wakes
her up. They start talking Howard Hawks style again.
Is that the penthouse?
That's the Chester Rush party, they want something.
Yeah, well, tough tity. They're just gonna have to wait,
'cause I'm out the door.
Now, Ted, wait a minute. I know you're freaked, I know
you're stressed. You've had a real bad night--
Yes, Betty, I've had-a-real-bad-night--
--You say there's a dead body in a room?
Yes, I did.
No problem, this is a hotel, we've had dead bodies before,
it's just the price of doing business. You said the hotel was
on fire. Is it still on fire?
No, it's out.
Good, sprinkler system worked like a charm. Now, you
wanna leave, you've had enough. Perfectly understandable.
I'll take care of everything else. The only thing I ask is that
you take care of Chester Rush. Then you can leave.
Ted, he's a very important guest of this hotel. In fact, he is
the most important guest at the hotel. The Mon Signor used
to be a haven for movie stars. Through the thirties and forties,
and the first half of the fifties, more movie stars--if you break
it down on a night-by-night basis--stayed at the Mon Signor
than any other hotel in Hollywood. Now, we had some hard
time in the eighties, even though we were the official hotel
of Cannon Pictures, but we're coming back strong in the
nineties. And a movie star clientele is important to that
comeback. If we can keep stars of his magnitude happy,
we're on our way. So, Ted, just take care of him, then
you can leave.
Look, I don't feel like--
He probably just wants some champagne! You can do that,
can't you? Please just take care of him, the entire staff of the
Mon Signor is begging you!
Okay. But get your ass here pronto.
You're a good man, Ted. Thanks.
Ted hangs up the phone. And picks up the board phone.
Hello, Mr. Rush. Sorry for the delay. How can I help you?
FADE TO BLACK
STORY TITLE CARD:
"THE MAN FROM HOLLYWOOD"
EXT. HALLWAY TO PENTHOUSE--NIGHT
The elevator door opens and Ted wheels out his tray into the hallway.
There's been a bit of an effort to make himself appear a bit less
disheveled than in the last scene. He's only minorly successful in the
attempt. His uniform still looks like shit, his hair looks tousled, and he
walks with a limp.
He wheels the cart up to the penthouse door and KNOCKS at the door.
A woman opens the door, it's Angela from Alex's story.
What the hell are you doing here?
She holds up the drink she has in her hand.
Having a drink.
Is that crazy husband of yours in there?
Are you kidding, he'll be asleep till Christmas.
From behind her we hear:
Angela steps aside and Ted wheels in the tray.
The penthouse is huge, far and away the best suite in the house. And
standing in the middle of the biggest room in the hotel is the hottest,
newest comedy star to burst onto the Hollywood scene in nearly a decade:
Chester Rush. At this moment in time, he's the king, and he has the swagger
of a new king. After only one movie, he's pulled the sword out of the
stone. And the look on his face says, "King's good." Surrounding him is his
entourage. They all look like once upon a time this evening they were
dressed sharp; however, at this late hour, everybody looks about as
disheveled as Ted.
One of the lads, Norman, has planted roots in a comfy chair with his leg
thrown over the arm and a bottle of Jim Beam in his hand.
The second guy, Leo, is in the back of the room pacing back and forth on
the telephone. He is completely oblivious to the rest of the room's
In Chester's hand is an ever present glass of champagne, which he
constantly spills as he gestures wildly. Around the room are the leftovers:
pizza boxes, fast-food hamburgers, and empty bottles of Cristal Champagne.
Entrez, entrez, come in, come in.
(wheeling in the tray)
Hi, sorry I took so long, but I got everything you asked for--
--Not a problem, my friend Mr. Bellboy.
(closing the door)
His name's Theodore.
Actually, it's not Theodore,
(he throws a look at Angela)
Chester rises from the couch.
So, Ted the Bellboy, as I was saying--would you care for
some champagne? That's not what I was saying, but would
you care for some champagne?
No, thank you.
Ya sure? Cristal. It's the best. I never liked champagne
before I had Cristal, now I love it.
Okay, yeah, sure.
As Chester goes and pours Ted a glass:
--As I was saying, Ted, don't worry about being late. For
our purposes, promptness is far behind thoroughness.
On "thoroughness," he hands Ted the glass.
They clink glasses and drink.
Whadya say, Ted?
No, not thank you. Whadya say about the tasty beverage?
Fuckin' good, Ted. It's fuckin' good. Let's try it again, shall
we? So, Ted, whadya think about the beverage.
It's fuckin' good.
You bet your sweet bippy, Ted. It's fuckin' Cristal,
everything else is piss.
Norman in the chair starts yelling at Ted.
Bellboy! Bellboy! Bellboy!
Ted knows he's being laughed at, but not why.
Knock it off, you're making my friend Ted here uneasy.
Pay no attention to Norman here, Ted, he's just fuckin' wit'
ya, that's all. That's from Quadrophenia. Now me, myself,
when I think of bellboys I think of--"bellboy" isn't an insult,
is it? Is there another name for what you do that I'm
ignorant of? Bellman, bellperson--
Good. I'm glad they haven't changed that. There's a
friendliness to "bellboy." As I was saying, Ted, when
Norman thinks of bellboys, he thinks of Quadrophenia.
But me, when I think of bellboys, I think of The Bellboy,
with Jerry Lewis. Didja ever see The Bellboy?
You should, it's one of Jerry's better movies. He never says
a word through the entire film. A completely silent performance.
How many actors can pull that off? And he has to go to France
to get respect. That says it all about America right there. The
minute Jerry Lewis dies, every paper in this fuckin' country
gonna write articles calling the man a genius. It's not right.
It's not right and it's not fair. But why should that surprise
anybody? When has America ever been fair? We might be
right every once in a while, but we're very rarely fair.
Where do you want this?
You in a hurry, Ted?
(he is, but doesn't want to rush the movie star)
No, not particularly.
Good, then stop playing "Beat the Clock." Now let me
introduce you to everybody.
He puts his arm around Ted and leads him around the room.
Angela crosses frame, drink in hand.
Our friend from downstairs you already seem to be
As she snuggles up in a big comfy chair:
Oh, me and Theodore go way back. Don't we, Theodore?
The name's Ted, Angela. I only let people with loaded guns
at my head call me Theodore.
Angela's like you, Ted, a newfound friend.
We met at the pool.
Have you ever seen Angela in a one-piece?
Well, it's somethin' to see.
(arm around Ted)
The Man sitting in the chair, with the bottle of Jim Bean in
his hand and the sense of humor, is Norman. Norman, say
hello to Ted.
Norman shakes his hand.
The sociable son of a bitch on the telephone is Leo. And
the person on the other end of the phone is his lovely wife
Leo, say hello to Ted.
Leo breaks away from his phone conversation for two seconds.
Hi, Ted, glad you could make it.
(back to phone)
What does punctuality have to do with love?
Which brings me to me, Chester Rush, Ted. Pleased to meetcha.
Chester shakes Ted's hand.
I know. I'm sorry I haven't seen your movie.
Ted wonders if he should have said that.
Chester walks over to the table and pours himself some more champagne. When
he talks now it's slower and somewhat distracted. The tone of the scene
It's quite all right, Ted, nothing to feel sorry about. That's
why God invented video. But you know, Ted, a lot of people
did see it.
Chester takes a drink of champagne, a disgusted look crosses his face, and
he slowly puts it down.
His manner gives the room a chill.
When he talks, he addresses the room.
Who drank out of this bottle last?
Chester walks over to Ted and fills his glass.
Who drank out of this bottle--not the other bottles--this
What's wrong, Chester?
He spills the champagne from his glass onto the floor.
It's fuckin' flat, Norman, that's what's wrong. The
champagne--the fuckin' Cristal's fuckin' flat.
Chester improvises a temper tantrum about the flat Cristal. Everyone looks
at him, not knowing what to say. Even Leo walks over to witness. The whole
room is uneasy and a little frightened.
When Chester finishes his tantrum, he turns his attention back to Ted. As
he talks to him, he opens up another bottle. But it's not the rapid-pace
delivery Chester has done so far. It's more troubled and distracted.
I was saying, Ted, a lot of people did see it. And not just on
video, either. Leo, what was the final take on domestic?
Leo is still in the doorway making sure his boy's cool.
You okay, champ?
(struggling with bottle)
I'm cool, so talk to your wife.
Leo turns his attention back to the phone and goes inside the room.
72.1 million dollars. That's before video and before foreign,
and before pay-TV and before free TV. We're talking
fuckin' asses in fuckin' seats.
(he pops the cork)
Before all that other shit, The Wacky Detective made 72.1
Chester walks over to Ted and fills his glass.
And my new one, The Dog Catcher, it's projected to break
(he clinks Ted's glass with his)
The Dog Catcher.
The Dog Catcher.
They both drink.
The tantrum's over, and Chester's back to his fast-talking, good-natured
Now let's stroll over here and see what goodies you brought us.
Do you mind me asking what's all this stuff for?
One thing at a time, Ted. I'm not a frog and you're not a
bunny, so let's not jump ahead. C'mon, Norman, you should
be interested in this.
Ted produces the things they called for.
A block of wood.
Chester knocks on it.
Why three nails?
That's how many Peter Lorre asked for. Continue, Ted.
Ted is completely bewildered.
A roll of twine.
That's definitely a roll of twine. Continue.
A bucket of ice.
You into it?
I'm into it.
Chester takes it and eats it.
That's for me. Continue.
And a hatchet.
A hatchet as sharp as the devil himself is what I asked for.
Well, you be the judge.
Ted holds the hatchet out for Chester to take. Norman snatches it instead.
I'll be the judge.
Norman touches the end of the blade with his thumb.
That's a sharp motherfucker. Bring all this bullshit over to
You heard him, Ted.
Ted is completely confused and starting to get a little scared, but he does
what he's told.
Leo slams down the phone.
You still married?
Maybe, maybe not, but I don't give a flyin' fuck either way.
I've had it with that Machiavellian bitch! I'm too drunk to
drive home. I'm sorry about that, I'm real sorry about that.
I got drunk on New Year's Eve, cut my fuckin' head off . . .
(noticing Ted at the bar)
What's going on here?
We now return you to The Man from Rio, already in progress.
Noooo, you're gonna do it?
You guys ain't bullshittin', you're gonna really go for it?
Angela is still curled up.
After talkin' about it all night, they better. I wanna see a show.
When we do it, you'll have something to see.
Leo walks up to Norman and throws his arm around him.
You are one radical dude.
Ted doesn't know what anybody's talking about, which is just fine with him.
He finishes laying out everything on the bar and says:
Well, that's everything, so if you don't need me for anything
else, I'll go back downstairs.
Not so fast, Ted. We ain't quite done yet. Why don't you
take a seat at the bar, get comfortable, and have an open
mind when we explain the festivities of the evening to you.
Look, guys, you paid for the room. As long as you don't
break up the furniture, you can do whatever the fuck you
want. And me personally, I don't care if you break up the
furniture. You don't have to explain anything to me. Whatever
constitutes a good time as far as you guys are concerned is
Well, it's your business, Ted. 'Cause we want you to take part.
Take part in what?
Chester, your way of breaking the news to him gently
is scarin' the shit outta him.
Look at the poor guy. Just spit it out.
Little by little everybody has gathered around Ted.
First off, let me say that there's nothing homosexual about
what we're going to ask you to do. There's nothing sexual
at all about what we want. But I was thinkin' you might be
thinkin' we want you to do some sex thing. Pee on us, suck
us off, shit like that. Let me assure you nothing could be
farther from what we want--
Can I jump in here?
No, you can't jump in here, this is my story.
Theodore's been here fifteen minutes and you've talked
about everything but.
Hey, if you don't like it, you can get the fuck out.
Leo taps his champagne glass with a tiny spoon, shutting everybody up.
If it'll please the court, let me explain to Ted our intentions.
I second the nomination!
Move the nomination be closed!
Chester takes the hatchet and brings it down on the bar like a hatchet.
Leo, the floor is yours.
Ted, did you ever watch the old "Alfred Hitchcok Show"?
(totally bewildered at this point)
Did you ever see the episode The Man from Rio, with Peter
Lorre and Steve McQueen?
I don't think so.
Oh, you'd remember it all right. In the show, Peter Lorre
makes a bet that Steve McQueen can't light his cigarette
lighter ten times in a row. Now if Steve McQueen can light
his cigarette lighter ten times in a row, he wins Peter Lorre's
new car. If he can't he loses his little finger.
Norman and Chester just made the same bet.
Norman's putting up his pinky against Chester's mint
convertible, 1964 red convertible Chevy Corvelle that he can
light his Zippo ten times in a row.
Ted looks at all of them, taking in the information, before saying:
You guys are drunk.
Well, that goes without saying, but that doesn't mean we
don't know what we're doing.
I'll tell ya what I'm doin'.
Norman lays an issue of Hot Classic Cars in front of Ted on the bar. On the
cover is a picture of Chester smiling, standing next to a beautiful 1964
red convertible Chevy Corvelle. The headline reads: "Hollywood's Hottest
New Star Next to America's Hottest Old Car."
I drive a motherfuckin' Honda my sister sold me. You hear
what I'm sayin'? A little white motherfuckin' Honda Civic.
(he holds up the magazine)
You see this shit?!
(reading the magazine)
"Hollywood's hottest new star, next to America's hottest old car."
(he hands Ted the magazine)
Now you take a good look at that machine that this
motherfucker over here is standing next to. That's a 1964
nigger-red, rag-top Chevy Corvelle. And I love that car
more'n I love hips, lips, and fingertips. Cut to we sittin'
here celebrating, gettin' high, drinkin' champagne--
--Cristal. When you're drinkin' anything else, you're
drinking champagne. When you're drinkin' Cristal, you say
you're drinkin' Cristal.
--drinkin' Cristal. Watchin' TV. "Rockin' New Year's
Eve." When all of a sudden we flip on Steve McQueen and
Peter Lorre bein' fuckin' badass. And I look at this funny
motherfucker over here, and I say, "I'd do that for the Chevelle."
And Chester replies . . .
". . . Oh, really?"
You guys wouldn't be doin' something this stupid unless
you were drunk.
Everybody breaks into a "here, here" murmur.
I think that pretty much goes without sayin'. We'd probably
chicken out. But when you're fucked-up, you don't lie. You
tell the fuckin' truth. And the fuckin' truth is, my lucky Zippo's
gonna win me Chester's car.
Why are you doing this?
Thrill of the bet. I'm the one with something to lose here.
'Cause I can pretty near guarantee that I love my car more'n
Norman loves his pinky.
How 'bout you guys, you're just gonna sit back and let your
friends mutilate each other?
Why not? Life don't get much more exciting than this. I
mean if Norman was puttin' his dick on the choppin' block,
I'd step in, 'cause, ya know in the morning, we'd really
regret that. But his pinky? Who gives a fuck? I mean
theoretically, he could lose that choppin' onions tomorrow.
Life still goes on.
How 'bout you?
I don't care.
Which brings us to your part in this little wager.
I don't have a part.
Now, Ted, my old granddaddy used ta say: "The less a man
makes declarative statements, the less he's apt to look foolish
in retrospect." Now there're some inherent obstacles in this
undertaking. First of all, I'm not some sick fuck like Peter Lorre
on that show, travelin' the countryside collecting fingers. We're
all buddies, here. Nobody wants Norman to lose his finger. We
just wanna chop it off. So if fate doesn't smile on ol' Norman,
we'll put his finger on ice and rush 'im to a hospital, where in all
likelihood be able to sew it back on.
So Norman's protected. His interests have been looked after.
My interests, on the other hand, have not. I am as emotionally
attached to my car as Norman is physically to his finger. I'm
putting up a very expensive piece of machinery on this wager.
Now, if I lose, I lose, I have no problem with that. I'm a big
boy, I knew what I was doing. However, if I win, I wanna win.
If Norman lights his lighter ten times in a row, he's gonna have
no emotional problems about taking my car keys whatsoever.
But if I win, it's not inconceivable that Leo or myself, at the last
minute, might not be able to wield the ax. Which brings us full
circle to you, Ted. Sober Ted. Clear-eyed Ted. We want you
to be the diceman.
Pause as they all look at him. Angela breaks it.
Helluva night, huh, Ted?
I gotta get out of here.
Ted abruptly gets up and makes a beeline for the door.
Chester whips out a hundred-dollar bill and quickly calls to Ted from his
position at the bar.
Ted, I got a hundred-dollar bill here with your name on it,
whether you do what we ask or not, just to sit back down in
the chair for one minute more.
Ted spins in his direction.
I'm not gonna cut off his finger!
Maybe you will and maybe you won't, but that has nothing
to do with this hundred-dollar bill in my hand. You can tell
us all to go fuck off and walk right out that door. But if you
sit back down and wait sixty seconds before you do it, you'll
be a hundred dollars richer.
Ted just stands across the room, thinking.
Ted. Take the money.
Ted, you're gonna do whatever you want to do. We're just
askin' you to indulge us for another minute more. And
Chester's willin' to pay for it.
I'll take your money, and I'll sit back down. But a minute
from now, I'm gonna walk out the door, and when I do,
there'll be no hard feelings?
Well, I want you to have a bit more of an open mind than
that, but, yeah, we'll either convince you or we won't. No
hard feelings. Right, guys?
Ted wearily sits back down.
Chester positions himself in front of Ted at the bar.
Okay, Leo, you be the timekeeper. Let us know when one
minute begins and when it ends.
You got it.
(he checks his watch)
Gentlemen, start your engines.
Chester jumps up and down, loosening up.
Chester, who talks fast anyway, starts his pitch. It's Chester who now
plays "Beat the Clock."
Okay, pay attention here, Ted, I ain't got much time. Now
I'm gonna make two piles here on the bar.
(he takes the hundred-dollar bill and lays it out on the bar)
(pointing at the hundred-dollar bill)
which is yours. And another pile,
(Chester whips out a money roll fat enough to choke a horse to death)
which could be yours.
(he lays a matching hundred-dollar bill on the bar, starting a second pile)
Now, what you have to be aware of is we're gonna do this bet, one way,
(he lays another hundred on the end pile)
or the other.
(he lays another hundred on the pile)
Whether it's you who holds the ax,
(he lays another hundred on the pile)
or the desk clerk downstairs,
(he lays another hundred on the pile)
or some bum we yank off the street.
(he lays another hundred on the pile) . . .
You can buy a lot of soup with that pile.
Shhhh, I'm the closer.
(to the group)
How much is on the bar already? I lost count.
Six hundred. Ted, do you know how long it takes the
average American to count to six hundred?
(laying another bill on the pile)
One minute less than it takes to count to seven hundred.
You know, Ted, a person's life is made up of a zillion little
(he lays another bill on the pile)
Some, which have no meaning, are insignificant and you
forget them. And some that stick with you for the rest of
your natural life--
(he lays another bill on the pile)
--barring Alzheimer's of course. Now, what we're proposing
is so unusual, so outside the norm, that I think it would be a pretty
good guess that this will be one of those experiences that sticks.
So, since you're gonna be stuck remembering this moment for the rest
of your life, you gotta decide what that memory will be.
(he lays down the last bill on the pile)
So, are you gonna remember for the next forty years, give or take
a decade, how you refused a thousand dollars for one second's
worth of work, or how you made a thousand dollars for one
second's worth of work?
Well, Ted, what's it gonna be?
Ted looks at the pile, then looks up. We dolly into his face.
We see a quick MONTAGE of horrendous moments from all the other stories.
Back to Ted.
The group cheers.
But when it's over, no matter what happens, I get the money?
As long as you do your part, you can take the pile, walk out
the door, and not say another word.
Let's do it right now, before I change my mind.
Everybody gets in their position by the bar. Norman lays his left hand on
the block of wood with his pinky sticking out.
In his right hand is his Zippo lighter, poised and ready to strike.
Chester hands Ted the meat cleaver.
Ted takes it, raises it up above Norman's finger, in position.
Perfect, perfect, perfect, perfect! This is great! This is a
moment in time none of us will ever forget.
Everybody is crowded around the scene, on pins and needles.
Norman, you ready?
Ted, you ready?
Okeydoke. Norman, begin.
Norman looks hard at the Zippo in his hand. Ted, holding the cleaver,
stares focused on Norman's pinky.
Norman readies himself.
Places his thumb on the wheel in the Zippo.
Takes a breath.
It sparks, but doesn't light.
Without missing a beat, Ted brings down the cleaver, slicing off Norman's
Norman lets out a scream.
Ted, in one move, lays down the cleaver, scoops up the money and walks out
INT. HALLWAY--AFTER DAWN
CAMERA is positioned at far end of hallway, looking down it at the elevator
at the other end.
Ted walks out of the penthouse in the f.g. In a MEDIUM SHOT, he takes the
thousand dollars in his hand, looks at it, smiles, and sticks it in his
pocket. It might've been a bad night, but it's been a profitable one. He
chuckles at the irony, and, whistling a happy tune, turns his back on the
camera and walks down the hall to the elevator.
All the while we hear PANDEMONIUM breaking out behind the door.
As Ted walks to the elevator, the CREDITS ROLL. He waits for the elevator,
it arrives, he gets in, the doors close.
As CREDITS CONTINUE TO ROLL, we hold for about two beats . . . then . . .
The door BURSTS open and everybody comes piling out. Everybody's screaming,
yelling different things to one another. Norman has a bloody towel wrapped
around his hand, he's screaming and crying.
My finger, my fucking finger!!
Chester has the bucket of ice with the finger in it. Leo's trying to direct
everything. Everybody's in frantic activity, except for Angela, who stands
back, drinks her drink, and watches the show. They all run down the hall,
toward the elevator. Somebody trips and they all hit the ground. The bucket
of ice with the finger goes spilling. They run around like crazy, looking
for the finger and picking up ice cubes. Norman lies on the floor and
screams. They pick it all up, get to the elevator, and push the button.
When it arrives, they all dive in except for Angela.
You know, I'm gonna call it a night and go back to my room.
It's been fun.
The doors close on the screaming maniacs.
Angela walks through a door marked "Stairway."
INT. 4TH FLOOR HALLWAY--AFTER DAWN
MEDIUM STAIRWAY DOOR
CREDIT ROLL continues
Angela comes through the door; we STEADICAM in front of her as she walks
the halls, looking for her room. She finds it . . .
WE STOP CREDITS
Angela sticks her key in the door, then stops when she sees something
approaching. The look on her face combines strange awe and mild shock.
Almost floating ethereally, a mysterious Blond Bombshell, wearing Diana's
see-through negligee and slippers, armed with Elspeth's sword slung over
her shoulder, wanders toward her. She is in a daze, perhaps lost or drunk.
You okay, lady?
The bombshell looks up at her dizzily.
I said--you looking for someone?
Uhhh . . . yes . . . my husband . . . I think. Have you seen him?
Angela and the girl have a strange moment as they connect through the eyes.
Having had enough emotional intensity tonight, Angela breaks their eye
Lady, I haven't seen anybody.
Diana quietly says, "Ohhh," as she drifts on down the hall in a daze.
Angela puts her hand to her temples before opening her hotel door. She does
a double-take on the hallway--empty.
She pauses a beat, then walks into her room. After the door closes, we hear
Sigfried on the other side.
Where the hell have you been?
CREDITS CONTINUE TO ROLL
Miramax Films Presents
A Band Apart
A film by
Tim Roth as "Ted the Bellhop"
Susan L. Bertram
Mary Claire Hannan
Music Produced by
Drectors of Photography
Written and Directed By
Sammi Davis Jezebel
Amanda deCadenet Diana
Valeria Golino Athena
Ione Skye Eva
Lili Taylor Raven
Alicia Witt Kiva
Director of Photography
THE WRONG MAN
Written and Directed by
Jennifer Beals Angela
David Proval Sigfried
Director of Photography
Written and Directed by
Antonio Banderas Man
Lana McKissack Sarah
Patricia Vonne Rodriguez Corpse
Tamlyn Tomita Wife
Danny Verduzco Juancho
Salma Hayek TV Dancing Girl
Director of Photography
THE MAN FROM HOLLYWOOD
Written and Directed by
Jennifer Beals Angela
Paul Calderon Norman
Quentin Tarantino Chester
Director of Photography
Lawrence Bender Long Hair Yuppie Scum
Kathy Griffin Betty
Paul Hellerman Taxi Driver
Quinn Thomas Hellerman Baby Bellhop
Marc Lawrence Sam the Bellhop
Unruly Julie McClean Left Redhead
Laura Rush Right Redhead
Paul Skemp Real Theodore
Marisa Tomei Margaret
Tim Roth as "Ted the Bellhop"
Production Manager Paul Hellerman
Production Supervisor Deborah Cass
1st Assistant Director
"Strange Brew" & "Misbehavers" Douglas Aarniokoski
1st Assistant Director
"The Wrong Man" & "The Man From Hollywood" Fernando Altschul
2nd Assistant Directors Brian Bettwy
Louis Shaw Milito
Production Accountant Deborah Hebert
Assistant Accountant Heidrun M. Williams
Accounting Assistant Craig Roth
Production Coordinator Dawn Todd
Asst. Production Coordinator Susan Noonan-Gero
Key Office Production Assistant Jeff Swafford
Script Supervisor Jayne-Ann Tenggren
Location Manager Robert Earl Craft
Camera Operator/1st Assistant Camera Ziad Doueiri
2nd Assistant Camera Gregory Smith
1st Assistant "B" Camera Kate Butler
2nd Assistant "B" Camera Bjorn E. Aarskog
"The Wrong Man" & "Misbehavers" Jonathan Brown
Production Sound Mixer Pawel Wdowczak
Boom Operator Paul Koronkiewicz
Key Hair/Make-Up Artist
"Misbehavers" & "The Man From Hollywood" Ermahn Ospina
Assistant Hair and Make-Up
"Misbehavers" & "The Man From Hollywood" Don Malot
"The Man From Hollywood" Cristina Bartolucci
"Strange Brew" & "The Wrong Man" Lizbeth Williamson
"Strange Brew" & "The Wrong Man" Michael Ross
"Strange Brew" Toni G.
"Strange Brew" Barbara Olvera
Make-up for Madonna Paul Starr
Hairstylist for Madonna Orlando
Hairstylist for Bruce Willis Pamela Priest
Wigmaker Ira Senz Company
"Strange Brew" & "Misbehavers" Thomas G. Marquez
"The Wrong Man" & "The Man From Hollywood" Jacqueline Aronson
Costumer Mynka Draper
Gaffer Chuck Smith
Best Boy Electric Edgar Arellano
Electricians Jason Lord
Marcel De Jure
Key Grip Rick Stribling
Best Boy Grip James B. "Crash" Irons
Dolly Grip Bob Ivanjack
Grips Jason "Jake" Cross
Tim "Stuffy" Soronen
Marc Thomas Polanski
Art Director Mayne Schuyler Berke
Set Director Sara Andrews
Lead Man Peter Borck
Construction Coordinator Brian Markey
Property Master Lynda Reiss
Assistant Property Master Andrew King
On-Set Dresser Francis Whitebloom
Assistant Decorator Mary Patvaldnieks
Art Department Coordinator Marisol Jimenez
Swing Gang Joseph Grafmuller
Thomas J. Power
Draper Shari Griffin
Construction Foreman Ray Maxwell
Lead Carpenter Shane Hawkins
Construction Estimator Chris Scher
Carpenters James C. Beeson
Brant R. McCarthy
Mark F. Simpson
On-Set Carpenter James M. Drury, Jr.
Lead Painter Mark D. Gillson
Painters Adam G. Markey
Pedro V. Suchite
Carlos A. Chavez
Stand-By Painter T.D. Donnelly
1st Assistant Editors
"Strange Brew" Bob Allen
Debra L. Tennant
"The Wrong Man" David Young
"The Misbehavers" Erik C. Andersen
"The Man From Hollywood" Tatiana S. Riegel
2nd Assistant Editors
"Strange Brew" Johanna Groepl
"The Wrong Man" Steven M. Buono
"The Misbehavers" Daniel A. Fort
"The Man From Hollywood" Katie Mack
Additional Assistant Editor Don Likovich
Apprentice Editors Ethan Maniquis
Music Editor Denise Okimoto
Pacific Music Editors, Inc.
Video Playback Playback Technologies
Unit Publicist Nancy Willen
Unit Still Photographer Claudette Barius
Casting By Russell Gray
Casting Associate Randi Hiller
Extras Casting By Rainbow Casting
Stand-Ins Michael Boyce Harris
Assistant to Mr. Bender Courtney McDonnell
Assistant to Ms. Anders Melanie Chapman
Assistant to Mr. Rockwell Amanda M. Michener
Assistant to Mr. Tarantino Victoria Lucai
Coordinator for Miramax Cathy Agcayab
A Band Apart Legal Carlos Goodman, Eric Brooks
lichter, grossman & nichols, inc.
Music Legal Services Myman, Abell, Fineman,
Greenspan & Rowan
Miramax Legal Vicki Cherkas
Completion Guarantors Film Finances, Inc.,
Set Production Assistants Ben Parker
Karen Alicia White
Office Production Assistants Charles Sapadin
Canard Emile Barnes
Intern Tiffanie DeBartolo
Transportation Coordinator P. Gerald Knight
Transportation Captain Dotti Thompson
Drivers Geoff Lancaster
D. Robert Knight
Animal Trainers McMillan Animal Rentals
Choreographer Sissy Boyd
Medic/Stage Manager Patrice Carbaugh
Studio Teacher Jan D. Tys
Set Security by Technical Guard Security
Nick Roberts, Supervisor
Production Catering by Silver Screen Catering
Craft Service Derek Hurd
Special Mechanical Effects Bellisimo/Bellardinelli Effects, Inc.
Special Effects Assistants Shannon Thompson
Special Make-Up Effects by K.N.B. EFX Group, Inc.
Post Production Accountant Zane
Post Production Coordinators Dawn Todd
Post Production Assistants Ben Parker
Supervising Sound Editors Bruce Fortune M.P.S.E.
Victor Iorillo M.P.S.E.
Supervising ADE Editor Becky Sullivan M.P.S.E.
Sound FX Editors Glenn Hoskinson
Donald L. Warner, Jr. M.P.S.E.
Shawn Sykora M.P.S.E.
Anthony R. Milch
Bernard Weiser M.P.S.E.
Special Sound Effects Victor Iorillo M.P.S.E.
1st Assistant Sound Editor Tim Tuchrello
2nd Assistant Sound Editor Vincent Casarro
ADR Editor Zack Davis
Supervising Foley Editor Gordon Ecker M.P.S.E.
Sound Effects Recordists Gary Blufer
Sound Effects Coordinators John Michael Fanaris
Re-Recording Mixers Wayne Heitman
"The Misbehavers" B. Tennyson Sebastian III
ADR Voice Casting Barbara Harris
ADR Mixer Christina Tucker
Negative Cutter Theresa Repola Mohammed
Color Timer Michael Stanwick
Dolby Stereo Consultant Thom "Coach" Ehle
Music Consultant Karyn Rachtman
Music Engineer Robert Casale
Music Recorded by Mutato Muzika
"Carnival of Souls"
Written by Peter Dixon
Performed by Combustible Edison
Courtesy of Sub Pop Records
Theme from "The Tiki Wonder Hour"
Written by Peter Dixon
Performed by Combustible Edison
Courtesy of Sub Pop Records
"Breakfast at Denny's"
Written by Peter Dixon
Performed by Combustible Edison
Courtesy of Sub Pop Records
"The Millionaire's Holiday"
Written by Peter Dixon, Elizabeth Cox
Performed by Combustible Edison
Courtesy of Sub Pop Records
"Spy Vs. Spy"
Written by Michael Cudahy
Performed by Combustible Edison
Courtesy of Sub Pop Records
Written by Earle Hagen
Performed by Esquivel
Courtesy of The RCA Records Label of BMG Music
Written by Bud Green, Les Brown, Ben Homer
Performed by Esquivel
Courtesy of The RCA Records Label of BMG Music
"Bewitched (Theme Song)"
Written by Jack Keller, Howard Greenfield
Courtesy of Tee Vee Toons
Written by Jacques Morali, Henri Belolo, Victor Willis
Performed by The Village People
Courtesy of Mercury Records by Arrangement with
Polygram Special Markets/Scorpio Music and Can't Stop Music
Executive in Charge of Soundtrack for Elektra Entertainment
Original Motion Picture Soundtrack Album Available on Elektra
Compact Discs and Cassettes
Featuring New Music from Combustible Edison
Special Thanks To:
Champagne Louis Roederer S.A.
Dolce & Gabbana
Donna Karan Menswear
Leland H. Faust
Eddie Tishkoff, Hollywood Piano Co.
Maya Montanez Smukler
Cindy Jo Stanberry
United Independent Taxi
Specialty Prop Fabrication by
Travel Arrangements & Services Provided by
Judy Garland and Associates
Stock Footage Provided by
Producers Library Service &
Film & Video Stock Shot, Inc.
Electric Equipment Provided by
Grip Equipment Provided by
Cameras and Lenses Provided by
Camera Dolly Provided by
Visual Effects by
Jay Mark Johnson
Design and Animation
David S. Williams Jr.
Illusion Arts, Inc.
Pacific Title Digital
Animated Titles Created by
Animation Produced by
Kurtz and Friends
Post Production Sound by
Insurance Provided by
Great Northern / Reiff & Associates
Originated on Eastman Color Negative
Recorded in Dolby Stereo
Filmed With Panavision
Cameras & Lenses
copyright 1995 Miramax Films. All rights reserved.