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                                          DR. STRANGELOVE
                                                OR:
                         HOW I LEARNED TO STOP WORRYING AND LOVE THE BOMB 
    
                                       (The Continuity Script)

    

     

    FADE IN:

    SLOW TRACK over dense cloud cover. Rocky peaks visible in the distance. 

   

                                              NARRATOR 
           For more than a year, ominous rumors have been privately circulating among high
              level western leaders, that the Soviet Union had been at work on what was
              darkly hinted to be the ultimate weapon, a doomsday device. Intelligence
            sources traced the site of the top secret Russian project to the perpetually
            fog shrouded wasteland below the arctic peaks of the Zokov islands. What they
             were building, or why it should be located in a such a remote and desolate
                                      place, no one could say. 

    CUT TO:

    Roll credits. Tracking shot of B-52 in mid-air refuel. Soundtrack lilts "Try a
 Little Tenderness."  Refueling nozzle gently breaks away from recieving
 aircraft. 

    

    CUT TO:

    INT. COMPUTER ROOM - BURPLESON AFB - NIGHT

    A phone buzzes. 

    

                                           PETTY OFFICER 
                                        General Ripper, sir. 

                                               MANDRAKE 
                                       (to phone on his desk)
                                 Group Captain Mandrake speaking... 

                                                   
Ripper sits at his desk, cigar smoke wafting up through the light of his desk
 lamp. 

   

                                               RIPPER 
                                             (to phone) 
                                  This is General Ripper speaking. 

                                               MANDRAKE 
                                             Yes, sir. 

                                                RIPPER 
                                 You recognize my voice, Mandrake? 

                                               MANDRAKE 
                                     I do sir, why do you ask? 

                                                RIPPER 
                                     Why do you think I asked? 

                                               MANDRAKE 
            Well I don't know, sir. We spoke just a few moments ago on the phone, didn't
                                                we? 

                                                RIPPER 
           You don't think I'd ask if you recognized my voice unless it was pretty damned
                                    important do you, Mandrake? 

                                               MANDRAKE 
                                       No, I don't, sir. No. 

                                                RIPPER 
            Alright, let's see if we stay on the ball. Has the wing confirmed holding at
                                       their failsafe points? 

                                               MANDRAKE 
                         Yes, sir. The confirmations have all just come in. 

                                                RIPPER 
           Very well, now, listen to me carefully. The base is being put on condition red.
                          I want this flashed to all sections immediately. 

                                               MANDRAKE 
               Condition red, sir. Yes. Jolly good idea, keeps the men on their toes. 

                                                RIPPER 
                         Group Captain, I'm afraid this is not a exercise. 

                                               MANDRAKE 
                                       Not an exercise, sir? 

                                                RIPPER 
            I shouldn't tell you this, Mandrake, but you're a good officer and you have a
                       right to know. It looks like we're in a shooting war. 

                                               MANDRAKE 
                              Oh, hell. Are the Russians involved sir? 

                                                RIPPER 
              Mandrake, that's all I've been told. It just came in on the Red Phone. My
              orders are for this base to be sealed tight, and that's what I mean    to
             do: seal it tight. Now, I want you to transmit plan R, R for Robert, to the
                                      wing. Plan R for Robert. 

                                               MANDRAKE 
                                        Is it that bad sir? 

                                                RIPPER 
                                  It looks like it's pretty hairy. 

                                               MANDRAKE 
                                  Yes sir. Plan R for Robert, sir. 

                                                RIPPER 
           Now, last, and possibly most important, I want all privately owned radios to be
                                       immediately impounded. 

                                               MANDRAKE 
                                              Yes sir. 

                                                RIPPER 
             They might be used to issue instructions to saboteurs. As I have previously
           arranged, Air Police will have lists of all owners and I want every single one
                                of them collected without exception. 

                                               MANDRAKE 
                                              Yes sir. 

                                                RIPPER 
                           And after you've done that, report back to me. 

                                                   
Ripper closes the blinds on wall of windows looking out at the base. Outside, a
 SIREN SOUNDS. 

   

    CUT TO:

   EXT. AIRBORNE B-52'S 

   with escorts. 

   

                                              NARRATOR 
             In order to guard against surprise nuclear attack, America's Strategic Air
           Command        maintains a large force of B-52 bombers airborne 24 hours a day.
          Each B-52 can deliver a nuclear        bombload of 50 megatons, equal to 16 times
        the total explosive force of all the bombs and         shells used by all the armies
            in World War Two. Based in America, the Airborne alert force is deployed from
           the Persian Gulf to the Arctic Ocean, but they have one geographical factor in
                  common: they are all two hours from their targets inside Russia. 

                                                   

    CUT TO:

   INT. B-52 

   Machines spring to life as a transmission arrives. 

   

                                               GOLDIE 
             Major Kong, I know you're gonna think this a crazy but I just got a message
             from base over the CRM 114. It decodes as Wing Attack plan R. R for Romeo. 

                                                 KONG 
                              Goldie, did you say Wing Attack, plan R? 

                                                GOLDIE 
                                          Yes Sir, I have. 

                                                 KONG 
              Goldie, how many times have I told you guys that I don't want no horsin'
                                      around on the airplane? 

                                                GOLDIE 
                      I'm not horsin' around, sir, that's how it     decodes. 

                                                 KONG 
           Well I've been to one world fair a picnic and a rodeo and that's the stupidest
              thing I ever heard come over a set of earphones. You sure you got today's
                                               code? 

                                                GOLDIE 
                                          Yes sir, it is. 

                                                 KONG 
          Ah, there's just gotta be something wrong. Wait just a second, I'm comin' back. 

                                                   
Kong examines the decoded message and the code book. 

   

                                                KONG 
                           Maybe you better get a confirmation from base. 

                                                GOLDIE 
                                              Yes sir. 

                                              BOMBARDIER 
            Major Kong, is it possible that this is some kind of loyalty test. You know,
                   give the go code and then recall to see who would actually go? 

                                                 KONG 
             Ain't nobody ever got the go code yet. And old Ripper wouldn't be giving us
           plan R unless them Russkies had already clobbered Washington and alot of other
                                     towns with a sneak attack. 

                                              BOMBARDIER 
                                              Yes sir. 

                                                GOLDIE 
                              Major Kong, message from base confirmed. 

                                                 KONG 
           Well boys, I reckon this is it: nuclear combat, toe to toe with the Russkies. 

                                                   
Kong climbs back into the cockpit. Soundtrack: Battle Hymn of the Republic. 

   

                                                KONG 
            Now look boys, I ain't much of a hand at makin' speeches. But I got a pretty
           fair idea that something doggoned important's going on back there. And I got a
             fair idea of the kind of personal emotions that some of you fella's may be
           thinking. Heck, I reckon you wouldn't even be  human beings if you didn't have
          some pretty strong personal feelings about nuclear combat.     But I want you to
           remember one thing, the folks  back home is a countin' on ya, and by golly we 
             ain't about to let 'em down. Tell you somethin' else. This thing turns out
            to be half as important is I figure it just might be, I'd say that you're all
           in line for some important promotions and personal citations when this thing's
           over with. That goes for every last one of you, regardless of your race, color,
             or your creed. Now, let's get this thing on the hump. We got some flying to
                                                do. 

                                                   

    CUT TO:

   INT. GENERAL TURGIDSON'S STUDIO 

   Phone rings. 

   

                                             MISS SCOTT 
                                             (shouting) 
                                       Buck, should I get it? 

                                              TURGIDSON 
                                             (muffled) 
                                         Yeah. You have to. 

                                              MISS SCOTT 
                                             (to phone) 
           Hello? Oh, yes, General Turgidson is here, but I'm afraid he can't come to the
                    phone at the moment. Well, this is his secretary, Miss Scott.
                                              (softly)
         Freddie, how are you? Fine and you? Oh, we were        just catching up on some of
        the General's paperwork. Well, look Freddie, he's very tied up         at the moment.
                               I'm afraid he can't come to the phone. 
                                              (listens)
                                        Well, just a minute.
                                       (shouts to Tuirgidson) 
                          General Turgidson, a General Puntridge calling. 

                                              TURGIDSON 
                                       Tell him to call back. 

                                              MISS SCOTT 
                                             (to phone) 
            Freddie, the General says could you call back in       a minute or two? Oh. 
                                             (shouting) 
                                       He says it can't wait. 

                                              TURGIDSON 
                          Ah, for Pete... well... Find out what he wants. 

                                              MISS SCOTT 
            Freddie, the thing is, the General is in the powder room right now. Could you
                             tell me what it's about? Just a second... 
                                             (shouting) 
            Apparently they monitored a transmission about         eight minutes ago from
                                      Burpleson Air Force Base.
                                             (to phone)
                                               Right. 
                                             (shouting) 
                     It was directed to the 843'rd bomb wing on airborne alert.
                                             (to phone)
                                               Yeah. 
                                             (shouting) 
                                 It decoded as Wing Attack, Plan R. 

                                              TURGIDSON 
            Um ah, tell him to call uh what's his name. Base commander. Ripper. I have to
                                        think of everything? 

                                              MISS SCOTT 
                                             (to phone) 
            The General suggests you call General Ripper, the 843rd base commander. Oh. 
                                             (shouting) 
                                    All communications are dead. 

                                              TURGIDSON 
                                  Bull! Tell him to do it himself. 

                                              MISS SCOTT 
                Freddie, the General asks if you could possibly try again yourself. 
                                              (listens)
                                               I see. 
                                             (shouting) 
                                                  
He says he's tried personally several times, but everything is dead. Even the
 normal phone lines are shut down. 

   Turgidson emerges from the bathroom, grumbling. 

   

                                             TURGIDSON 
                                             (to phone) 
            Fred. Buck. What's it look like? Yeah. Waa... are you sure it's plan R? Huh.
             What's cookin' on the threat board.? Nothin? Nothin at all? Idon't like the
               look of this, Fred. Alright, I tell you what you better do, old buddy.
                                         (slaps his belly) 
            You better give Elmo and Charlie a blast, and bump everything up to condition
                         red and stand by the blower, I'll get back to you. 
                                             (hangs up) 

                                              MISS SCOTT
                                             What's up? 

                                              TURGIDSON 
                                Nothing. Nothing. Where's my shorts? 

                                              MISS SCOTT 
                                 On the floor. Where are you going? 

                                              TURGIDSON 
             No place. No... no place... I just thought I   might mosey over to the War
                    room for a few         minutes. See what's doing over there. 

                                              MISS SCOTT 
                                 It's three o'clock in the morning. 

                                              TURGIDSON 
                                              (laughs) 
                                    The Air Force never sleeps. 

                                              MISS SCOTT 
                               Buck, honey... I'm not sleepy either. 

                                              TURGIDSON 
            I know how it is, baby. Tell you what you do. You just start your countdown,
                and old Bucky'll       be back here before you can say... Blast Off! 

                                                   

    CUT TO:

   EXT. BURPLESON AFB - NIGHT 

   Ripper's voice booms over the PA. Ready soldiers stand listening. 

   

                                               RIPPER 
              Your commie has no regard for human life, not even his own. And for this
            reason, men, I want to impress upon you the need for extreme   watchfulness.
           The enemy may come individually,       or he may come in strength. He may even
           come in        the uniform of our own troops. But however he comes we must stop
            him. We must not allow him to gain entrance to this base. Now, I am going to 
             give you three simple rules. First, trust no   one, whatever his uniform or
        rank, unless he is     known to you personally. Second, anyone or      anything that
           approaches within 200 yards of the perimeter is to be fired upon. Third, if in
            doubt, shoot first, and ask questions afterwards. I would sooner accept a few
            casualties through accident than lose the      entire base and its personnel
             through carelessness. Any variation on these rules must        come from me
           personally. Now, men, in conclusion, I would like to say that, in the two years
           it has been my privilege to be your commanding officer, I have always expected
          the best from you, and you have never given me         anything less than that. 

                                                   

    CUT TO:

   INT. COMPUTER ROOM - INT. BURPLESON AFB 

   Mandrake, who has been closing up shop while listening to Ripper's speech,
 discovers a radio inside a line printer and switches it on. Soft jazz is
 playing. 

   

                                           RIPPER'S VOICE 
            Today, the nation is counting on us. We are not going to let them down. Good
                                          luck to you all. 

                                                   

    CUT TO:

   INT. AIRBORNE B-52 

   Soundtrack: Battle Hymn of the Republic. 

   

                                               AIRMAN 
                                             (to Kong) 
                                  Here's the attack profile, sir. 

                                                 KONG 
                               (announcing through headset intercom) 
             This is your attack profile: to insure that the enemy cannot monitor voice
               transmission or plant false transmission, the CRM114 is to be switched 
           into all the receivercircuits. Emergency phase code prefix is to be set on the
             dials of the CRM. This'll block any transmission other than those preceded
                            by code prefix. Stand by to set code prefix. 

                                                GOLDIE
                                  Roger. Ready to set code prefix. 

                                                 KONG 
                                          Set code prefix. 

                                                GOLDIE 
                                         (dials up letters) 
                                        OPE Code prefix set. 

                                                 KONG 
                                         Lock code prefix. 

                                                GOLDIE 
                                        Code prefix locked. 

                                                 KONG 
                        Switch all receiver circuits to CRM discriminators. 

                                                GOLDIE 
                            All circuits switched to CRM discriminators. 

                                                 KONG 
                                   Check auto destruct circuits. 

                                                GOLDIE 
                                  Auto destruct circuits checked. 

                                                 KONG 
              Primary target, the ICBM complex at Laputa. Target reference Yankee Golf
              Tango Three Six Zero. Thirty megaton nuclear device fused for airburst at
               ten thousand feet. Twenty megaton nuclear device will be used if first
             malfunctions. Otherwise proceed to secondary target, missile complex seven
            miles east of Barshaw. Target reference November Bravo X-Ray One Zero Eight.
                        Fused airburst at ten, check, twelve thousand feet. 

                                                   

    CUT TO:

   INT. BURPLESON AFB 

   Mandrake walks hurredly through the halls with the portable radio producing
 another jazz tune, now upbeat. Mandrake enters 

   RIPPER'S OFFICE 

   

                                              MANDRAKE 
           Excuse me sir, something rather interesting's just cropped up. Listen to that.
           Music. Civilian broadcasting. I think those fellows in the Pentagon have given
              us some sort of exercise to test our readiness. Personally, I think it's
             taking it a bit too far; our fellows will be inside Russian radar cover in
              about twenty minutes. You listen to that. Traffic block full of stations
                                        all churning it out. 

                                                RIPPER 
                                             Mandrake. 

                                               MANDRAKE 
                                             Yes, sir? 

                                                RIPPER 
            I thought I issued instructions for all radios on this base to be impounded. 

                                               MANDRAKE 
                (follows Ripper as he rises from his chair to lock his office door) 
            Well you did indeed sir and I was in the process of impounding this very one
              when I happened to switch it on. I thought to myself our fellows hitting
             Russian radar cover in twenty minutes, dropping all their stuff, I'd better
               tell you, because if they do, it'll cause a bit of a stink, won't it? 

                                                RIPPER 
              Group Captain, the officer exchange program does not give you any special
                                prerogatives to question my orders. 

                                               MANDRAKE 
             Well I realize that sir, but I thought you'd be rather pleased to hear the
              news. I mean after all, well let's face it we...we don't want to start a
                            nuclear war unless we really have to, do we? 

                                                RIPPER 
                             Please sit down. And turn that thing off. 

                                               MANDRAKE 
              Yes sir. Ah, what about the planes, sir? Surely you must issue the recall
                                         code immediately. 

                                                RIPPER 
            Group Captain, the planes are not going to be recalled. My attack orders have
                                 been issued and the orders stand. 

                                               MANDRAKE 
           Well, if you'll excuse me saying so, sir. That would be, to my way of thinking,
           rather... well rather an odd way of looking at it. You see, if a Russian attack
              was in progress we would certainly not be hearing civilian broadcasting. 

                                                RIPPER 
                                 Are you certain of that, Mandrake? 

                                               MANDRAKE 
                           I'm absolutely positive about that, sir, yes. 

                                                RIPPER 
                                      And what if it is true? 

                                               MANDRAKE 
             Well I'm afraid I'm still not with you, sir. Because, I mean, if a Russian
             attack was not in progress then your use of plan R, in fact your orders to
               the entire wing... oh. Well I would say, sir, that there was something
                                    dreadfully wrong somewhere. 

                                                RIPPER 
           Now, why don't you just take it easy Group Captain. And please make me a drink
                of grain alcohol and rain water, and help yourself to whatever you'd
                                               like. 

                                               MANDRAKE 
                                             (salutes) 
            General Ripper, sir, as an officer in Her Majesty's Air Force, it is my clear
              duty, under the present circumstances, to issue the recall code, upon my
           own authority, and bring back the wing. If you'll excuse me sir. Mandrake tries
           all exits and finds them locked I'm afraid sir, I must ask you for the key and
                           the recall code. Have you got them handy sir? 

                                                RIPPER 
              I told you to take it easy, Group Captain. There's nothing anybody can do
              about this thing now. I'm the only person who knows the three letter code
                                               group. 

                                               MANDRAKE 
                                          (voice cracking) 
                         Then I must insist, sir, that you give them to me. 

                                                   
Ripper lifts a folder off of his desk and tosses it aside, revealing a blued,
 pearl handled .45 automatic. 

   

                                              MANDRAKE 
             Do I take it, sir, that you are threatening a brother officer with a gun? 

                                                RIPPER 
           Mandrake, I suppose it never occurred to you that while we're chatting here so
            enjoyably, a decision is being made by the President and the Joint Chiefs in
           the war room at the Pentagon. And when they realize there is no possibility of
               recalling the wing, there will be only one course of action open: total
               committment. Mandrake, do you recall what Clemenzo once said about war?

                                               MANDRAKE 
                                  No. I don't think I do sir, no. 

                                                RIPPER 
             He said war was to important to be left to the Generals. When he said that,
            fifty years ago, he might have been right. But today, war is too important to
              be left to politicians. They have neither the time, the training, nor the
           inclination for strategic thought. I can no longer sit back and allow Communist
                infiltration, Communist indoctrination, communist subversion, and the
             international Communist conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious
                                           bodily fluids. 

                                                   

    CUT TO:

   INT. WAR ROOM - PENTAGON 

   

                                              MUFFLEY 
                                      Sam, is everybody here? 

                                                STAINS 
                Mr. President, the Secretary of State is in Vietnam, the Secretary of
                Defense is in Laos, and the Vice President is in Mexico City. We can 
                   establish contact with them at any time if it's necessary. The
                             undersecretaries are all here, of course. 

                                               MUFFLEY 
                        Right. Now, General Turgidson, what's going on here? 

                                              TURGIDSON 
               Mr. President, about thirty-five minutes ago, General Jack Ripper, the
              commanding General of Burpleson Air Force Base, issued an order to the 34
               B-52's of his wing which were airborne at the time as part of a special
              exercise we were holding called Operation Dropkick. Now, it appears that
             the order called for the planes to attack their targets inside Russia. The
           planes are fully armed with nuclear weapons with an average load of 40 megatons
              each. Now the central display of Russia will indicate the position of the
               planes. The triangles are their primary targets, the squares are their
             secondary targets. The aircraft will begin penetrating Russian radar cover
                                         within 25 minutes. 

                                               MUFFLEY 
            General Turgidson, I find this very difficult to understand. I was under the
             impression that I was the only one in authority to order the use of nuclear
                                              weapons. 

                                              TURGIDSON 
            That's right sir. You are the only person authorized to do so. And although I
               hate to judge before all the facts are in, it's beginning to look like
                               General Ripper exceeded his authority. 

                                                MUFFLEY
              It certainly does. Far beyond the point I would have imagined possible. 

                                              TURGIDSON 
                   Well perhaps you're forgetting the provisions of plan R, sir. 

                                               MUFFLEY 
                                              Plan R? 

                                              TURGIDSON 
            Plan R is an emergency war plan in which a lower echelon commander may order
             nuclear retaliation after a sneak attack if the normal chain of command is
             disrupted. You approved it, sir. You must remember. Surely you must recall,
              sir, when Senator Buford made that big hassle about our deterrent lacking
            credibility. The idea was for plan R to be a sort of retaliatory safeguard. 

                                               MUFFLEY 
                                            A safeguard. 

                                              TURGIDSON 
             I admit the human element seems to have failed us here. But the idea was to
           discourage the Russkies from any hope that they could knock out Washington, and
              yourself, sir, as part of a general sneak attack, and escape retaliation
                           because of lack of proper command and control. 

                                               MUFFLEY 
            Well I assume then, that the planes will return automatically once they reach
                                       their failsafe points. 

                                              TURGIDSON 
            Well, sir, I'm afraid not. You see the planes were holding at their failsafe
             points when the go code was issued. Now, once they fly beyond failsafe they
           do not require a second order to proceed. They will fly until they reach their
                                              targets. 

                                               MUFFLEY 
                Then why haven't you radioed the planes countermanding the go code? 

                                              TURGIDSON 
               Well, I'm afraid we're unable to communicate with any of the aircraft. 

                                               MUFFLEY 
                                                Why? 

                                              TURGIDSON 
           As you may recall, sir, one of the provisions of plan R provides that once the
            go code is received the normal SSB radios in the aircraft are switched into a
           special coded device, which I believe is designated as CRM114. Now, in order to
             prevent the enemy from issuing fake or confusing orders, CRM114 is designed
             not to receive at all, unless the message is preceded by the correct three
                                     letter code group prefix. 

                                               MUFFLEY 
             Then do you mean to tell me, General Turgidson, that you will be unable to
                                        recall the aircraft? 

                                              TURGIDSON 
             That's about the size of it. However, we are plowing through every possible
                 three letter combination of the code. But since there are seventeen
              thousand permutations it's going to take us about two and a half days to
                                         transmit them all. 

                                               MUFFLEY 
                How soon did you say the planes would penetrate Russian radar cover? 

                                              TURGIDSON 
                               About eighteen minutes from now, sir. 

                                               MUFFLEY 
                              Are you in contact with General Ripper? 

                                              TURGIDSON 
                 Ah.. No sir, no, General Ripper sealed off the base and cut off all
                                          communications. 

                                               MUFFLEY 
                              Where did you get all this information? 

                                              TURGIDSON 
              General Ripper called Strategic Air Command headquarters shortly after he
            issued the go code. I have a partial transcript of that conversation if you'd
                                        like me to read it. 

                                               MUFFLEY 
                                              Read it. 

                                              TURGIDSON 
           The duty officer asked General Ripper to confirm the fact the he had issued the
            go code and he said, "Yes gentlemen, they are on their way in and no one can
             bring them back. For the sake of our country and our way of life, I suggest
                 you get the rest of SAC in after them, otherwise we will be totally
             destroyed by red retaliation. My boys will give you the best kind of start,
            fourteen hundred megatons worth, and you sure as hell won't stop them now. So
              let's get going. There's no other choice. God willing, we will prevail in
            peace and freedom from fear and in true health through the purity and essence
           of our natural fluids. God bless you all." Then he hung up. We're still trying
                        to figure out the meaning of that last phrase, sir. 

                                               MUFFLEY 
              There's nothing to figure out General Turgidson. This man is obviously a
                                             psychotic. 

                                              TURGIDSON 
            Well, I'd like to hold off judgment on a thing like that, sir, until all the
                                           facts are in. 

                                               MUFFLEY 
                                           (anger rising) 
               General Turgidson, when you instituted the human reliability tests, you
                assured me there was no possibility of such a thing ever occurring. 

                                              TURGIDSON 
             Well I don't think it's quite fair to condemn a whole program because of a
                                        single slip up sir. 

                                               MUFFLEY 
                  I want to speak to General Ripper on the telephone, personally. 

                                              TURGIDSON 
                                 I'm afraid that's impossible, sir. 

                                               MUFFLEY 
           General Turgidson, I am becoming less and less interested in your estimates of
                         what is possible and impossible. General Faceman. 

                                               FACEMAN 
                                             Yes, sir. 

                                               MUFFLEY 
                    Are there any army units stationed anywhere near Burpleson? 

                                                FACEMAN
                                   Well ah, I'll just check, sir. 

                                                   
Turgidson's phone beeps 

   

                                             TURGIDSON 
                                               Hello. 
                                      (pause, then whispering) 
              I told you never to call me here; don't you know where I am? (pause) Well
                look, baby, I can't talk to you now. My president needs me. Of course
                               Bucky would rather be there with you. 
                                              (pause) 
              Of course it isn't only physical. I deeply respect you as a human being.
                         Someday I'm going to make you Mrs. Buck Turgidson. 
                                              (pause) 
            Listen, you go back to sleep. Bucky'll be back there just as soon as he can.
                      Alright. Listen, sug', don't forget to say your prayers. 
                                  (hangs up and composes himself) 

                                               FACEMAN 
               Apparently, the 23rd airborne division is stationed seven miles away at
                                             Alvarado. 

                                               MUFFLEY 
             General Faceman, I want them to enter the base, locate General Ripper, and
                          put him in immediate telephone contact with me. 

                                               FACEMAN 
                                             Yes, sir. 

                                              TURGIDSON 
                 Mr. President, if I may advise, under condition red it is standard
              procedure that the base be sealed off, and the base be defended by base 
             security troops. Any force trying to enter there would certainly encounter
                                       very heavy casualties. 

                                               FACEMAN 
             General Turgidson, with all due respect for your defense team, my boys can
                             brush 'em aside without too much trouble. 

                                              TURGIDSON 
               Mr. President, there are one or two points I'd like to make, if I may. 

                                               MUFFLEY 
                                         Go ahead, General. 

                                              TURGIDSON 
             One, our hopes for recalling the 843rd bomb wing are quickly being reduced
             to a very low order of probability. Two, in less than fifteen minutes from
             now the Russkies will be making radar contact with the planes. Three, when
               they do, they are going to go absolutely ape, and they're gonna strike
               back with everything they've got. Four, if prior to this time, we have
              done nothing further to suppress their retaliatory capabilities, we will
              suffer virtual annihilation. Now, five, if on the other hand, we were to
             immediately launch an all out and coordinated attack on all their airfields
             and missile bases we'd stand a damn good chance of catching 'em with their
               pants down. Hell, we got a five to one missile superiority as it is. We
              could easily assign three missiles to every target, and still have a very
             effective reserve force for any other contingency. Now, six, an unofficial
           study which we undertook of this eventuality, indicated that we would destroy 
              ninety percent of their nuclear capabilities. We would therefore prevail,
                and suffer only modest and acceptable civilian casualties from their 
                  remaining force which would be badly damaged and uncoordinated. 

                                               MUFFLEY 
             General, it is the avowed policy of our country never to strike first with
                                          nuclear weapons. 

                                              TURGIDSON 
            Well, Mr. President, I would say that General Ripper has already invalidated
                                       that policy. (laughs) 

                                               MUFFLEY 
            That was not an act of national policy and there are still alternatives left
                                            open to us. 

                                              TURGIDSON 
                Mr. President, we are rapidly approaching a moment of truth both for
              ourselves as human beings and for the life of our nation. Now, the truth
              is not always a pleasant thing, but it is necessary now make a choice, to
            choose between two admittedly regrettable, but nevertheless, distinguishable
             post-war environments: one where you got twenty million people killed, and
                 the other where you got a hundred and fifty million people killed. 

                                               MUFFLEY 
                        You're talking about mass murder, General, not war. 

                                              TURGIDSON 
               Mr. President, I'm not saying we wouldn't get our hair mussed. But I do
              say... no more than ten to twenty million killed, tops. Uh... depended on
                                            the breaks. 

                                               MUFFLEY 
              I will not go down in history as the greatest mass murderer since Adolph
                                              Hitler! 

                                              TURGIDSON 
             Perhaps it might be better, Mr. President, if you were more concerned with
                  the American people, than with your image in the history books. 

                                               MUFFLEY 
             General Turgidson, I think I've heard quite sufficient from you, thank you
                                             very much! 

                                                STAINS 
                     Mr. President, they have the ambassador waiting upstairs. 

                                               MUFFLEY 
                                     Oh, good. Any difficulty? 

                                                STAINS 
                        They say he's having a fit about that squad of MPs. 

                                               MUFFLEY 
                Yes, that can't be helped. Have him brought down here straight away. 

                                                STAINS 
                                             Yes, sir. 

                                              TURGIDSON 
                        Is that the Russian Ambassador you're talking about? 

                                               MUFFLEY 
                                        Yes, it is, General. 

                                              TURGIDSON 
            Ahh, am I to understand the Russian Ambassador is to be admitted entrance to
                                           the War Room? 

                                               MUFFLEY 
                             That is correct. He is here on my orders. 

                                              TURGIDSON 
             I... I don't know exactly how to put this, sir, but are you aware of what a
                        serious breach of security that would be? I mean... 
                                   (begins closing his notebooks) 
                           he'll see everything. He'll see the big board! 

                                               MUFFLEY 
            That is precisely the idea, General. That is precisely the idea. Stains, get
                                   Premier Kissov on the Hotline. 

                                                   

    CUT TO:

   INT. AIRBORNE B-52 

   

                                                KONG 
            Survival Kit contents check. In them you will find: one 45 caliber automatic,
               two boxes of ammunition, four days concentrated emergency rations, one
               drug issue containing antibiotics, morphine, vitamin pills, pep pills,
            sleeping pills, tranquilizer pills, one miniature combination Rooshan phrase
                book and Bible, one hundred dollars in rubles, one hundred dollars in
            gold, nine packs of chewing gum, one issue of prophylactics, three lipsticks,
              three pair of nylon stockings -- shoot, a fellah could have a pretty good
                              weekend in Vegas with all that stuff.... 

                                                   

    CUT TO:

   INT. WAR ROOM 

   DeSadeski enters in a great coat, finishes the contents of a drinking glass,
 and places the glass on a banquet table covered with an ornate array of meats,
 breads, and pies. 

   

                                             DESADESKI 
                                   You don't have any fresh fish? 

                                                 AIDE 
                                        I'm afraid not sir. 

                                              DESADESKI  
                                  Your eggs, then, they are fresh? 

                                                 AIDE
                                           Oh, yes, sir. 

                                              DESADESKI  
             I will have poached eggs. And bring me some cigars, please. Havana cigars. 

                                                 AIDE 
                                   That will be all for you sir? 

                                              DESADESKI  
                                                Yes. 

                                                 AIDE 
                                  Then I'll see to it right away. 

                                               GENERAL 
                 Try one of these Jamaican cigars, ambassador, they're pretty good. 

                                              DESADESKI  
                  Thank you, no. I do not support the work of imperialist stooges. 

                                               GENERAL 
                                   Oh, only commie stooges, huh? 

                                              TURGIDSON 
                          (whispers, clutching his notebooks to his chest) 
             Mr. President, you gonna let that lousy commie punk vomit all over us like
                                               this? 

                                                STAINS 
             Mr. President, we haven't been able to reach Premier Kissov in the Kremlin.
             They say they don't know where he is, and he won't be back for another two
                                               hours. 

                                              DESADESKI  
                                         Try B86543 Moscow. 

                                                STAINS 
                                             Yes, sir. 

                                              DESADESKI  
            You would never have found him through his office, Mr. President. Our Premier
                  is a man of the people, but he is also... a man, if you follow my
                                              meaning. 

                                               MUFFLEY 
                                              (laughs) 
                                               Fine. 

                                                   
Turgidson mutters to a seated General 

 

                                             DESADESKI  
                                         What did you say? 

                                              TURGIDSON 
             I said, Premier Kissov is a degenerate atheist commie! That's what I said. 

                                              DESADESKI  
             Mr. President, I formally request that you have this ignorant fool removed
                                         from the war room. 

                                                   
DeSadeski, Muffley, and Turgidson form a triangular spat, each waving a pointed
 finger at another. 

 

                                               STAINS 
                                       (interrupts argument) 
                                 I think they're trying the number. 

                                                   
TRACK ON Muffley as he walks towards Stains. A struggle begins between
 DeSadeski and Turgidson. 

   

                                              MUFFLEY 
                       (to Turgidson and DeSadeski who is on Turgidson's lap) 
             Gentlemen, you can't fight in here. This is the War Room! What is going on
                                   here? I demand an explanation. 

                                              DESADESKI  
                   This clumsy fool tried to plant that ridiculous camera on me. 

                                              TURGIDSON 
           Yeah, you bet your sweets, Mr. Commie. Look at this, Mr. President. This lousy
                 commie rat was taking pictures with this thing. Of the big board! 

                                               MUFFLEY 
                                          Mr. Ambassador! 

                                              DESADESKI  
                 This clumsy fool attempted to plant that ridiculous camera on me. 

                                              TURGIDSON 
                          That's a damn lie! I saw him, with my own eyes! 

                                               MUFFLEY 
              Gentlemen, this is outrageous. I have never heard of such behavior in the
                                          war room before. 

                                                STAINS 
                      Mr. President, I think they're getting him on the line. 

                                                   

    CUT TO:

   EXT. BURPLESON AFB 

   The attack begins. 

   

                                             SOLDIER-1 
                              You sure gotta hand it to those commies. 

                                              SOLDIER-2 
                                               Yeah. 

                                              SOLDIER-3 
                      Gee, those trucks look like the real thing, don't they? 

                                              SOLDIER-2 
                                 I wonder where they got 'em from. 

                                              SOLDIER-3 
                         Probably bought them from the army as war surplus. 

                                              SOLDIER-1 
                                     Ok. Open up at 200 yards. 

                                                   
Firefight begins 

   

    CUT TO:

   INT. RIPPER'S OFFICE 

   Ripper and Mandrake listen to the fighting in silence. 

   

    CUT TO:

   INT. WAR ROOM 

   

                                              MUFFLEY 
               Tell him where you are, and that you'll enter the conversation if I say
                anything that's untrue, but please don't tell him anything more than
                             that. Alexiy, Alexiy, please... I beg you. 

                                              DESADESKI  
                                       I don't have a phone. 

                                               MUFFLEY 
                                          (snaps fingers) 
                                    Give him your phone, Frank. 

                                              DESADESKI  
                                         Govorit DeSadeski. 
                                  (continues in Russian, then...) 
               I've done as you asked. Be careful Mr. President. I think he's drunk. 

                                               MUFFLEY 
              Hello? Hello, Dimitri? Listen, I can't hear too well, do you suppose you
               could turn the music down just a little? Oh, that's much better. Yes. 
             Fine, I can hear you now, Dimitri. Clear and plain and coming through fine.
            I'm coming through fine too, eh? Good, then. Well then as you say we're both
             coming through fine. Good. Well it's good that you're fine and I'm fine. I 
                               agree with you. It's great to be fine. 
                                              (laughs) 
             Now then Dimitri. You know how we've always talked about the possibility of
             something going wrong with the bomb. The bomb, Dimitri. The hydrogen bomb.
              Well now what happened is, one of our base commanders, he had a sort of, 
             well he went a little funny in the head. You know. Just a little... funny.
                               And uh, he went and did a silly thing. 
                                              (listens)
              Well, I'll tell you what he did, he ordered his planes... to attack your
                                              country. 
                                              (listens)
                        Well let me finish, Dimitri. Let me finish, Dimitri. 
                                              (listens)
             Well, listen, how do you think I feel about it? Can you imagine how I feel
              about it, Dimitri? Why do you think I'm calling you? Just to say hello? 
                                              (listens)
            Of course I like to speak to you. Of course I like to say hello. Not now, but
              any time, Dimitri. I'm just calling up to tell you something terrible has
                                             happened. 
                                              (listens)
             It's a friendly call. Of course it's a friendly call. Listen, if it wasn't
              friendly, ... you probably wouldn't have even got it. They will not reach
                              their targets for at least another hour. 
                                              (listens)
              I am... I am positive, Dimitri. Listen, I've been all over this with your
                                   ambassador. It is not a trick. 
                                              (listens)
             Well I'll tell you. We'd like to give your air staff a complete run down on
              the targets, the flight plans, and the defensive systems of the planes. 
                                              (listens)
              Yes! I mean, if we're unable to recall the planes, then I'd say that, uh,
                  well, we're just going to have to help you destroy them, Dimitri.
                                             (listens) 
                                      I know they're our boys. 
                                              (listens)
                            Alright, well, listen... who should we call?
                                              (listens)
                                    Who should we call, Dimitri? 
                                              (listens)
                            The people...? Sorry, you faded away there. 
                                              (listens)
               The People's Central Air Defense Headquarters. Where is that, Dimitri? 
                                              (listens)
                                        In Omsk. Right. Yes. 
                                              (listens)
                               Oh, you'll call them first, will you? 
                                              (listens)
              Uh huh. Listen, do you happen to have the phone number on you, Dimitri? 
                                              (listens)
               What? I see, just ask for Omsk Information. I'm sorry too, Dimitri. I'm
                                            very sorry. 
                                              (listens)
             Alright! You're sorrier than I am! But I am sorry as well. I am as sorry as
              you are, Dimitri. Don't say that you are more sorry than I am, because I
            am capable of being just as sorry as you are. So we're both sorry, alright? 
            (listens) Alright. Yes he's right here. Yes, he wants to talk to you. Just a
                                              second. 

                                              DESADESKI  
                     (continues in Russian. Gradually becomes alarmed, then...) 
                                          Das voydaniya... 
                               (rests phone on the table before him) 

                                               MUFFLEY 
                                     What... what is it, what? 

                                              DESADESKI  
                                    The fools... the mad fools. 

                                               MUFFLEY 
                                          What's happened? 

                                              DESADESKI  
                                       The doomsday machine. 

                                               MUFFLEY 
                                The doomsday machine? What is that? 

                                              DESADESKI  
                  A device which will destroy all human and animal life on earth. 

                                               MUFFLEY 
                                     All human and animal life? 

                                                   

    CUT TO:

   INT. RIPPER'S OFFICE 

   Mandrake is sitting worriedly on a couch. Ripper puts a comforting arm around
 his shoulder. 

  

                                               RIPPER 
                                        (through his cigar) 
                                             Mandrake. 

                                               MANDRAKE 
                                             Yes, Jack? 

                                                RIPPER 
                        Have you ever seen a commie drink a glass of water? 

                                               MANDRAKE 
                              Well, no I... I can't say I have, Jack. 

                                                RIPPER 
                       Vodka. That's what they drink, isn't it? Never water? 

                                               MANDRAKE 
                       Well I... I believe that's what they drink, Jack. Yes. 

                                                RIPPER 
             On no account will a commie ever drink water, and not without good reason. 

                                               MANDRAKE 
                   Oh, ah, yes. I don't quite.. see what you're getting at, Jack. 

                                                RIPPER 
             Water. That's what I'm getting at. Water. Mandrake, water is the source of
              all life. Seven tenths of this earth's surface is water. Why, you realize
                              that.. seventy percent of you is water. 

                                               MANDRAKE 
                                            Uhhh God... 

                                                RIPPER 
               And as human beings, you and I need fresh, pure water to replenish our
                                      precious bodily fluids. 

                                               MANDRAKE 
                                      Yes. chuckles nervously 

                                                RIPPER 
                                    You beginning to understand? 

                                               MANDRAKE 
                                                Yes. 
                            (chuckles - begins laughing/crying quietly) 

                                                RIPPER 
               Mandrake. Mandrake, have you never wondered why I drink only distilled
                         water, or rain water, and only pure grain alcohol? 

                                               MANDRAKE 
                                Well it did occur to me, Jack, yes. 

                                                RIPPER 
             Have you ever heard of a thing called fluoridation? Fluoridation of water? 

                                               MANDRAKE 
                             Ah, yes, I have heard of that, Jack. Yes. 

                                                RIPPER 
                                    Well do you now what it is? 

                                               MANDRAKE 
                                No. No, I don't know what it is. No. 

                                                RIPPER 
               Do you realize that fluoridation is the most monstrously conceived and
                         dangerous communist plot we have ever had to face? 

                                                   
Window in the office is shot through by automatic weapons fire. 

   

                                               RIPPER 
                                    (walks to window and shouts) 
                                 Two can play at this game soldier! 

                                                   
More rounds ricochet through the office, cutting down the overhead desk lamp. 

  

                                               RIPPER 
                                   That's nice shooting, soldier! 

                                                   
Ripper produces a machine gun from a golf bag in his closet. He turns off the
 lights, then sweeps his desk clear with the gun barrel, placing the gun
 squarely on the desk.

   

                                               RIPPER 
                                        Mandrake! Come here! 

                                               MANDRAKE 
                                       You calling me, Jack? 

                                                RIPPER 
                          Just come over here and help me with this belt. 

                                               MANDRAKE 
                                          (prone on couch) 
              I ah, I haven't had very much experience, you know, with those... sort of
                  machines, Jack. I only ever pressed a button in my old Spitfire. 

                                                RIPPER 
             Mandrake, in the name of Her Majesty and the Continental Congress come here
                                    and feed me this belt, boy! 

                                               MANDRAKE 
             Jack, I'd love to come. But, what's happened, you see, is the string in my
                                            leg's gone. 

                                                RIPPER 
                                             The what? 

                                               MANDRAKE 
             The string. I never told you, but, you see, I've got a gammy leg. Oh dear.
                                          Gone. Shot off. 

                                                   
Ripper karate-chops the receiver, cycling the action. 

   

                                               RIPPER
                    Mandrake, come over here. The Red Coats are coming. Come on! 

                                                   

    CUT TO:

   INT. WAR ROOM 

   

                                             DESADESKI  
             When it is detonated, it will produce enough lethal radioactive fallout so
               that within ten months, the surface of the earth will be as dead as the
                                               moon! 

                                              TURGIDSON 
              Ah, come on DeSadeski, that's ridiculous. Our studies show that even the
                       worst fallout is down to a safe level after two weeks. 

                                              DESADESKI  
                         You've obviously never heard of cobalt thorium G. 

                                              TURGIDSON 
                                         No, what about it? 

                                              DESADESKI  
              Cobalt thorium G has a radioactive halflife of ninety three years. If you
             take, say, fifty H-bombs in the hundred megaton range and jacket them with
                cobalt thorium G, when they are exploded they will produce a doomsday
              shroud. A lethal cloud of radioactivity which will encircle the earth for
                                        ninety three years! 

                                              TURGIDSON 
                        Ah, what a load of commie bull. I mean, afterall... 

                                               MUFFLEY 
             I'm afraid I don't understand something, Alexiy. Is the Premier threatening
                       to explode this if our planes carry out their attack? 

                                              DESADESKI  
               No sir. It is not a thing a sane man would do. The doomsday machine is
                            designed to to trigger itself automatically. 

                                               MUFFLEY 
                               But surely you can disarm it somehow. 

                                              DESADESKI  
             No. It is designed to explode if any attempt is ever made to untrigger it. 

                                               MUFFLEY 
                                           Automatically? 

                                              TURGIDSON 
                         Ahh.. it's an obvious commie trick, Mr. President. 
                (walks backwards towards the big board) We're wasting valuable time. 
                   (falls over backwards and does a somersault, and brings himself
                                        back onto his feet) 
                    Look at the big board! They're getting ready to clobber us! 

                                               MUFFLEY 
            But this is absolute madness, ambassador. Why should you build such a thing? 

                                              DESADESKI  
              There are those of us who fought against it, but in the end we could not
             keep up with the expense involved in the arms race, the space race, and the
              peace race. And at the same time our people grumbled for more nylons and
               washing machines. Our doomsday scheme cost us just a small fraction of
            what we'd been spending on defense in a single year. But the deciding factor
               was when we learned that your country was working along similar lines,
                               and we were afraid of a doomsday gap. 

                                               MUFFLEY 
                  This is preposterous. I've never approved of anything like that. 

                                              DESADESKI  
                                 Our source was the New York Times. 

                                               MUFFLEY 
                    Dr. Strangelove, do we have anything like that in the works? 

                                                   
Stains and Turgidson, who have been listening to Muffley and DeSadeski Stains'
 station at the round table, slowly turn their heads in search of Strangelove. 

   

                                            STRANGELOVE 
                                          (in wheelchair) 
                                  A moment please, Mr. President. 

                                                   
Stomps one foot on the tile floor, pushes back from the table and begins
 wheeling towards the discussion between Muffley and DeSadeski.

   

                                            STRANGELOVE  
                 Under the authority granted me as director of weapons research and
             development, I commissioned last year a study of this project by the Bland
            corporation. Based on the findings of the report, my conclusion was that this
               idea was not a practical deterrent, for reasons which, at this moment,
                                      must be all too obvious. 

                                               MUFFLEY 
                 Then you mean it is possible for them to have built such a thing? 

            Strangelove carefully plucks cigarette from his shaking right hand, which is in
                                           a black glove. 

                                             STRANGELOVE 
              Mr. President, the technology required is easily within the means of even
                  the smallest nuclear power. It requires only the will to do so. 

                                               MUFFLEY 
            But, how is it possible for this thing to be triggered automatically, and at
                               the same time impossible to untrigger? 

                                             STRANGELOVE 
             Mr. President, it is not only possible, it is essential. That is the whole
                idea of this machine, you know. Deterrence is the art of producing in
            the mind of the enemy... the fear to attack. And so, because of the automated
             and irrevocable decision making process which rules out human meddling, the
              doomsday machine is terrifying. It's simple to understand. And completely
                                     credible, and convincing. 

                                              TURGIDSON 
                     Gee, I wish we had one of them doomsday machines, Stainsy. 

                                               MUFFLEY 
             But this is fantastic, Strangelove. How can it be triggered automatically? 

                                             STRANGELOVE 
            Well, it's remarkably simple to do that. When you merely wish to bury bombs,
                 there is no limit to the size. After that they are connected to a 
           gigantic complex of computers. Now then, a specific and clearly defined set of 
            circumstances, under which the bombs are to be exploded, is programmed into a
                                         tape memory bank. 

                                              TURGIDSON 
             Strangelove. What kind of a name is that? That ain't no kraut name, is it,
                                              Stainsy? 

                                                STAINS 
              He changed it when he became a citizen. It used to be Merkwurkdigliebe. 

                                              TURGIDSON 
                           Hmm. A kraut, by any other name, huh, Stainsy? 

                                             STRANGELOVE 
              Yes, but the... whole point of the doomsday machine... is lost... if you
                        keep it a secret! Why didn't you tell the world, eh? 

                                              DESADESKI  
              It was to be announced at the Party Congress on Monday. As you know, the
                                      Premier loves surprises. 

                                                   

    CUT TO:

   EXT. BURPLESON AFB

   Firefight continues. 

   

    CUT TO:

   INT. RIPPER'S OFFICE 

   Bullets cut down picture frames behind the desk. Ripper, standing, shoots back
 at unseen machinegunner. Mandrake is now crouching by his side. 

   

                                               RIPPER 
                Stay with me Mandrake. Ripper and Mandrake crawl to one side of desk.
                              Alright, Mandrake, now feed me. Feed me. 

                                                   
Ripper stands and exchanges fire with attacking troops. Enemy fire subsides. 

   

                                              MANDRAKE 
                                              (laughs) 
              Jack, don't you think we'd be better off in some other part of the room,
                                  away from all this flying glass? 

                                                RIPPER 
                Ah, naah. We're ok here. Mandrake, do you realize that in addition to
               fluoridated water, why, there are studies underway to fluoridate salt,
               flour, fruit juices, soup, sugar, milk, ice cream? Ice cream, Mandrake.
                                       Children's ice cream? 

                                               MANDRAKE 
                                             Good Lord. 

                                                RIPPER 
                              You know when fluoridation first began? 

                                               MANDRAKE 
                                     No. No, I don't, Jack. No. 

                                                RIPPER 
             Nineteen hundred and forty six. Nineteen fortysix, Mandrake. How does that
             coincide with your postwar commie conspiracy, huh? It's incredibly obvious,
                isn't it? A foreign substance is introduced into our precious bodily 
              fluids without the knowledge of the individual, and certainly without any
                        choice. That's the way your hard core commie works. 

                                               MANDRAKE 
            Jack... Jack, listen, tell me, ah... when did you first become, well, develop
                                            this theory. 

                                                RIPPER 
             Well, I ah, I I first became aware of it, Mandrake, during the physical act
                                              of love. 

                                                   
Mandrake sighs fearfully 

   

                                               RIPPER 
             Yes a profound sense of fatigue, a feeling of emptiness followed. Luckily I
                  was able to interpret these feelings correctly: loss of essence. 

                                               MANDRAKE 
                                               Yes... 

                                                RIPPER 
               I can assure you it has not recurred, Mandrake. Women... women sense my
             power, and they seek the life essence. I do not avoid women, Mandrake, but
                                     I do deny them my essence. 

                                               MANDRAKE 
                                          Heh heh... yes. 

                                                   

    CUT TO:

   EXT. BURPLESON AFB 

   Firefight settles into a surrender of Ripper's defending troops. 

   

    CUT TO:

   INT. RIPPER'S OFFICE 

   

                                               RIPPER 
                                    Boys must have surrendered. 

                                               MANDRAKE 
           It's the way it is. Heh heh. Now Jack, listen. While there's still time, I beg
                                    you, let's recall the wing. 

                                                   
Ripper struts over to an available chair, using machinegun as a walking stick,
 kicking debris en route. Sits. 

   

                                               RIPPER
                 Those boys were like my children, Mandrake. Now they let me down. 

                                               MANDRAKE 
               No no, Jack. Not a bit of it. No, I'm sure they all gave you their very
             best. And I'm equally sure they all died thinking of you, every man jack of
              them, heh, Jack. Supposing a bit of water has gone off, eh? And certainly
             one can never be too sure about those sort of things. Would you look at me
             now. Do I look all rancid and clotted? You look at me, Jack, eh? Look, eh?
             And I drink a lot of water, you know. I'm what you might call a water man,
             Jack. That's what I am. And I can swear to you, my boy, swear to you, that
                 there's nothing wrong with my bodily fluids. Not a thing, Jackie. 

                                                RIPPER 
                             Mandrake, were you ever a prisoner of war? 

                                               MANDRAKE 
                           Well, Jack, the time's running...very... huh? 

                                                RIPPER 
                                  Were you ever a prisoner of war? 

                                               MANDRAKE 
                             Ah yes I was. Matter of fact, Jack, I was. 

                                                RIPPER 
                                       Did they torture you? 

                                               MANDRAKE 
            Ah... yes, they did. I was tortured by the Japanese, Jack, if you must know.
                                        Not a pretty story. 

                                                RIPPER 
                                        Well what happened? 

                                               MANDRAKE 
                 Oh... well... I don't know, Jack. Difficult to think of under these
               conditions. But, well, what happened was they got me on the old Rangoon
                 HNRR railway. I was laying train mines for the bloody Japanese puff
                                               puffs. 

                                                RIPPER 
                          No, I mean when they tortured you, did you talk? 

                                               MANDRAKE 
              Ah, oh no, I ah... I don't think they wanted me to talk, really. I don't
              think they wanted me to say anything. It was just their way of having... 
                a bit of fun, the swines. Strange thing is they make such bloody good
                                              cameras. 

                                                RIPPER 
             You know those clowns outside are gonna give me a pretty good going over in
                                    a few minutes. For the code. 

                                               MANDRAKE 
            Yes. does a double take Yes, well you may have... you may have quite a point
                                            there, Jack. 

                                                RIPPER 
                       I don't know how well I could stand up under torture. 

                                               MANDRAKE 
            Well of course the answer to that is, boy, no one ever does. And my advice to
              you, Jack, is to give me the code now. And if those devils come back and
            try any rough stuff, we'll fight them together, boy, like we did just now, on
               the floor, eh? You with the old gun, and me with the belt and the ammo,
                 feeding you, Jack! Feed me, you said, and I was feeding you, Jack. 
                                   (pats Ripper on the shoulder) 

                                                RIPPER 
             No, Mandrake. I happen to believe in a life after this one, and I know I'll
                       have to answer for what I've done. And I think I can. 

                                               MANDRAKE 
                Yes, well of course you can, Jack, of course you can. You can! I'm a
            religious man, myself, you know, Jack. I believe in all that sort of thing, 
                                 and... I'm hoping, you know, Jack. 

                                                   
Rises to follow Ripper, who is walking despondently about the room, dragging
 the 50 cal. which he lets fall.

   

                                              MANDRAKE
                                 You dropped your gun, Jack, yes... 
             (picks up the machine gun and carries it) you know what I'm  (Ripper begins
              removing his jacket here) no, Jack. Let me take that for you. I'll take 
              that for you, Jack.  (takes Ripper's jacket and drapes it over the gun) 
             And, ah, you know what I'm hoping, Jack? I'm hoping you're going to give me
                         the code, boy. That's what I'm hoping. And, ah... 
                                    (Ripper enters the washroom) 
            oh, you're going have a little wash and brush up, are you? What a good idea.
             Always did wonders for a man, that, Jack. A little wash and brush up. Water
              on the back of the neck, and... makes you feel marvelous. That's what we
                need, Jack! Water on the back of the neck and the code. Now, ... now
                    supposing I play a little guessing game with you, Jack, boy. 
                                    (Ripper shuts washroom door) 
                    I'll try and guess... I'll try and guess what the code is...

                                                   
A gun shot rings out from within the washroom - Mandrake gapes at the closed
 door, drops the machine gun, and pushes on the door, which is blocked after
 opening a few inches. 

   

    CUT TO:

   INT. AIRBORNE B-52 

   

                                              COPILOT 
               Copilot to navigator, I'm ready with the fuel figures now. We have one
              hundred and nine thousand total, seventy nine thousand in the mains, and
               thirty thousand in the auxiliaries. And that works out to roughly seven
                           hours fifteen minutes endurance for this time. 

                                                 DSO 
               DSO to Captain, I have an unidentified radar blip. Distance: 60 miles.
             Approximate speed: mach three. Looks like a missile tracking us! Confirmed,
            definite missile track. Commence evasive action right. Missile still closing 
                        range; distance: 50 miles. Continue evasive action. 

                                               COPILOT 
                                 Lock ECM to target intercept mode. 

                                                 DSO 
               ECM locked to target intercept mode. Missile still tracking and closing
               distance. Range: 40 miles. Continue evasive action. Electronic guidance
             scrambler to blue grid. Missile still tracking steady and closing distance.
              Range: 30 miles. Missile still closing true and steady. Continue evasive
              action. Range: 20 miles. Missile still closing distance... and tracking 
                                              steady. 

                                               COPILOT 
                                  Evac range gate on maximum scan. 

                                                 DSO 
               Range gate on maximum scan. Range: 10 miles. Missile track deflecting.
             Continue evasive action. Deflection increasing; range: 8 miles. Deflection
             still increasing; range: 6 miles. Missile still deflecting; range: 4 miles.
                 Range: 2 miles; missile still deflecting. Range: one mile; missile
                                             detonated! 

                                                   
DISTORTED VOICES AUDIBLE through headset intercom. Kong is jolted as shock wave
 hits the plane. Crew scrambles to attend to fires, regain control of aircraft. 

   

                                                KONG 
                Spot lever to cutoff... reselect to central power... Extinguishers...
             Transfer switches... boost pumps up. Fuel valves three four and six.  Give
                                           me full power. 

                                                   
Aircraft returns to straight and level; under control. 

   

    CUT TO:

   INT. RIPPER'S OFFICE - BURPLESON AFB 

   Mandrake examines a notepad on Ripper's desk. It is covered with doodles and an
 interlocking pattern of the words Peace On Earth, and Purity Of Essence. 

   

                                              MANDRAKE 
             Peace on Earth. Peace on Earth. Peace on Earth: P O E. Purity of essence. O
                                       P O E. whispers O P E. 

                                                   
Shots ring out as the doorlock is destroyed, and the door to the office opens.
 Enter Bat Guano, brandishing an M-1 carbine. 

   

                                               GUANO 
                                   Put your hands over your head. 

                                               MANDRAKE 
            What the devil do you think you're doing, shooting your way in here? Who are
                                                you? 

                                                GUANO 
               I said, put your hands over your head. What kind of suit you call that,
                                              fellah? 

                                               MANDRAKE 
             What do you mean, suit? This happens to be an R. A. F. uniform, sir. And I
                 am Group Captain Lionel Mandrake. I am General Ripper's Executive 
                                              Officer. 

                                                GUANO 
                                      Where's General Ripper? 

                                               MANDRAKE 
                                    He's dead, in the bathroom. 

                                                GUANO 
                                       Where's the bathroom? 

                                               MANDRAKE 
                                            Next to you. 

                                                   
Guano peers around bathroom door and whistles in exclamation. 

   

                                              MANDRAKE 
            Look, I don't know what sort of stupid game this is you're playing, but I've
               got a very good idea what the recall code is and I have to get in touch
                                 with SAC headquarters immediately. 

                                                GUANO 
            I said put your hands over your head and keep 'em there. Got any witnesses? 

                                               MANDRAKE 
                 Witnesses? What are you talking about, witnesses? He shot himself! 

                                                GUANO 
                                     While he was shaving, huh? 

                                               MANDRAKE 
             Now look, Colonel... Bat Guano, if that really is your name, may I tell you
                that I have a very, very good idea, I think, I hope, I pray, what the
             recall code is. It's some sort of recurrent theme he kept repeating. It's a
             variation on Peace on Earth or Purity of Essence. E O P. O P E. It's one of
                                               those! 

                                                GUANO 
                       Put your hands up on top of your head. Start walking. 

                                               MANDRAKE 
           Don't you know that General Ripper went as mad as a bloody march hare and sent
                     the while wing to attack the Soviets? Don't you know that? 

                                                GUANO 
                                    What are you talking about? 

                                               MANDRAKE 
                 I'll tell you what I'm talking about. I'm going to pick up this red
             telephone which is connected to SAC. And I hope... blast. Blast! Shot away,
                I expect by one of your men during this ridiculous fighting! picks up
                                        another phone Right. 
                      (glances down to discover this phone has no cord at all) 

                                                GUANO 
            Alright, Charlie, I been wasting too much time on you. I got a lot of wounded
                                    men outside. Start walking. 

                                                   

    CUT TO:

   INT. B-52 

   Goldie is examining the damage to the radios. 

   

                                               GOLDIE 
             All the radio gear is out, including the CRM-114. I think the auto-destruct
                               mechanism got hit and blew itself up. 

                                              BOMBARDIER 
                The fire is out. Emergency power is on. Everything seems to check out
                                       alright. Will advise. 

                                                 KONG 
                                        Roger. Navigator... 

                                              NAVIGATOR 
               I've worked out our rate of fuel loss at approximately one six two per
             minute. This gives us a radius of action sufficient to take out primary and
             secondary targets. But we will not, repeat, not be able to make it back to
             any base or neutral country. However we would have enough fuel to ditch at
              weather ship tango delta: grid coordinates zero zero three six nine one. 

                                                 KONG 
              Now, boys, we got three engines out; we got more holes in us than a horse
             trader's mule, the radio's gone and we're leaking fuel, and if we's flying
             any lower, why, we'd need sleigh bells on this thing. But we got one little
             budge on them russkies, at this this height, why, they might harpoon us but
                       they dang sure ain't gonna spot us on no radar screen. 

                                                   

    CUT TO:

   INT. HALLWAY - BURPLESON AFB 

   Guano is marching Mandrake out of Ripper's office at gunpoint.

   

                                               GUANO 
                                           The other way. 

                                               MANDRAKE 
                                      Where are you taking me? 

                                                GUANO 
                                           The main gate. 

                                               MANDRAKE 
                Colonel! Colonel, I must know what you think has been going on here! 

                                                GUANO 
                                    You wanna know what I think? 

                                               MANDRAKE 
                                                Yes. 

                                                GUANO 
              I think you're some kind of deviated prevert. And I think General Ripper
             found out about your preversion, and that you were organizing some kind of
                                   mutiny of preverts. Now, move! 

                                                   
Mandrake replaces hands on head and begins walking. 

   

                                               GUANO 
            On top of that I don't know anything about any planes attacking Russia. All I
             was told to do was get General Ripper on the phone to the President of the
                                           United States. 

                                               MANDRAKE 
                        Now just one second. You just said... the President. 

                                                GUANO 
                                     What about the President? 

                                               MANDRAKE 
                Now, the president wants to speak to General Ripper, doesn't he? Now,
                 General Ripper is dead, is he not? I am General Ripper's executive 
              officer, so the president will bloody well want to speak to me, won't he?
                   There's a telephone box over there, and the line may be open. 

                                                GUANO 
                      You want to talk to the president of the United States? 

                                               MANDRAKE 
              I don't want to talk to him, Colonel, I've got to talk to him. And I can
              assure you, if you don't put that gun away and stop this stupid nonsense,
            the court of inquiry on this'll give you such a pranging, you'll be lucky if
                    you end up wearing the uniform of a bloody toilet attendant! 

                                                GUANO 
             Ok. Go ahead. Try and get the President of the United States on the phone. 

                                                   
Mandrake enters phone booth and closes the door. Guano pushes it back open. 

   

                                               GUANO 
                    If you try any preversions in there I'll blow your head off. 

                                                   
Mandrake places coins in the slot and dials. 

   

                                              MANDRAKE 
            Operator? This is Group Captain Lionel Mandrake, I'm speaking from Burpleson
              Air Force Base. Look, something very urgent has come up and I want you to
           place an emergency person to person call with President Merkin Muffley in the 
                Pentagon, Washington D.C. Aaaa... Burpleson3-9180. No, I'm perfectly
            serious, operator, the President, yes the President of the United States. I'm
             sorry, I haven't got enough change. Um, could you... could you make this a
                                      collect call, operator? 

                                                   
Mandrake waits on the call to be placed while Guano looks on. 

   

                                              MANDRAKE 
                                     Just one second, operator. 
                                             (to Guano) 
                     They won't accept the call. Have you got fifty-five cents? 

                                                GUANO 
             Well, you don't think I'd go into combat with loose change in my pocket, do
                                                you? 

                                               MANDRAKE 
              Operator, look, ah... is it possible to make this an ordinary... ordinary
                      trunk call? Well, what do you call it... you know, ah... 
                                 (raps on phone box with knuckles) 
                                   oh, ah... station to station. 
                                    (counts change in his palm) 
            Oh, blast. Still twenty cents short. Operator, hold on one... ah... I shan't
             keep you a second. (to Guano)  Colonel, that Coca-Cola machine, I want you
                    to shoot the lock off it. There may be some change in there. 

                                                GUANO 
                                      That's private property. 

                                               MANDRAKE 
                                           (exasperated) 
               Colonel, can you possibly imagine what is going to happen to you, your
              frame, outlook, way of life and everything, when they learn that you have
             obstructed a telephone call to the President of the United States? Can you
               imagine? Shoot it off! Shoot! With the gun! That's what the bullets are
                                           for, you twit! 

                                                GUANO 
             Ok. I'm gonna get your money for you. But if you don't get the President of
              the Unites States on that phone, you know what's going to happen to you? 

                                               MANDRAKE 
                                               What? 

                                                GUANO 
                      You're going to have to answer to the Coca-Cola Company. 

                                                   
Turns to the Coke machine and fires into it. Change spills from the coin return
 slot. As Guano bends to collect it, coke streams from a bullet hole and showers
 his face. 

   

    CUT TO:

   INT. WAR ROOM 

   

                                            VOICE ON PA 
                 This is SAC communications control. The recall code, OPE, is being
                        acknowledged roger by elements of the 843 bomb wing. 

                                                   
Cheering starts among men in the War Room. 

   

                                            VOICE ON PA 
              These are the details: missions 12, 22, 30, and 38 are reported destroyed
             by enemy action. All other missions have acknowledged recall code. This is
                             SAC communications control, over and out. 

                                              TURGIDSON 
                                         (whistles loudly) 
                                       Gentlemen, gentlemen. 

                                                   
War room falls silent. 

 

                                               TURGIDSON
           Ah, gentlemen, Mr. President, I'm not a sentimentalist at all, by nature, but I
              think I know what's in every heart in this room. I think we ought to all
             just bow our heads and give a short prayer of thanks for our deliverance. 
            Lord, we have heard the wings of the angel of death fluttering over our heads
              from the valley of fear. You have seen fit to deliver us from the forces
                                             of evil... 

                                                STAINS 
                Excuse me sir, Premier Kissov's calling again and he's hopping mad. 

                                                   

    CUT TO:

   INT. AIRBORNE B-52 

   

                                               GOLDIE 
             Fuel flow in active engines and leakage has increased. Now works out at two
                    zero five. Estimate remaining fuel at eight seven nine zero. 

                                              NAVIGATOR 
             Roger. Confirm two zero five per minute and remaining fuel eight seven nine
                                               zero. 

                                                   

    CUT TO:

   INT. WAR ROOM 

   

                                              MUFFLEY 
                                             (to phone) 
                   No. No, Dimitri, there must be some mistake. (listens) No, I'm
              certain of that. I'm perfectly certain of that, Dimitri. Just a second. 
                                         (puts down phone) 
            You know what he says? He says that one of the planes hasn't turned back. He
              says according to information forwarded by our air staff, it's headed for
                                   the missile complex at Lapuda. 

                                              TURGIDSON 
                                              Whah... 
                                  (laughs in wheezing incredulity) 
            That's impossible, Mr. President. I mean, look at the big board! Thirty-four
             planes, thirty recalls acknowledged, and four splashes, and one of them was
                                        targeted for Lapuda! 

                                               MUFFLEY 
                                             (to phone) 
            Dimitri? Look, we've got an acknowledgement from every plane except the four
                                          you've shot down.
                                             (listens) 
                Oh. Oh. He says... Hang on a second, Dimitri. (covers phone)  He says
            their air staff now only claims three aircraft confirmed. The fourth may only
                                            be damaged. 

                                              TURGIDSON 
                 Mr. President, I'm beginning to smell a big fat commie rat. I mean,
               supposing Kissov is lying about that fourth plane, just looking for an 
            excuse to clobber us. I mean, if the spaghetti hits the fan, now we're really
                                            in trouble. 

                                               MUFFLEY 
                                             (to phone) 
               Dimitri, look, if this report is true and the plane manages to bomb the
                target, is it... is this going to full.. is this going to set off the
                                         doomsday machine? 
                                              (listens)
                                           Are you sure? 
                                              (listens)
               Well, I.. I guess you're just going to have to get that plane, Dimitri!
            Dimitri, I'm sorry they're jamming your radar and flying so low, but they're
              trained to do it. You know, it's it's initiative! Look, Dimitri, you know
                exactly where they're going and I'm sure your entire air defense can
            stop a single plane. Listen, I mean, it's not going to help either one of us
                 if a if the if the doomsday machine goes off, now is it? (listens)
           Dom... Dimitri there's no point in you getting you hysterical at a moment like
             this! Dimitri! Keep your feet on the ground when you're talking, Dimitri. 
                                              (listens)
            I... I am not I am not getting... no, Dimitri. I... I just am worried, that's
                all. Look, now if our air staff say it's primary target is Lapuda and
             it's secondary target it Bordkov, I mean it's it's true, Dimitri! You gotta
                                            believe it. 

                                                   
Turgidson nods affirmative 

   

                                               MUFFLEY
                                         Look, can I gi... 
                                              (listens)
               Dimitri,can I give you just one word... can I give you just one word of
               advice, Dimitri? Listen, Dimitri, put everything you've got into those
                                  two sectors and you can't miss. 

                                                   

    CUT TO:

   INT. AIRBORNE B-52 

   

                                             NAVIGATOR 
              Sir, if we continue to lose fuel at the present rate, I estimate we only
              have thirty-eight minutes flying time which will not even take us as far
                                          as the primary. 

                                                 KONG 
                 Dog gonnit, Sweets, you told me that you'd get me to the primary! 

                                              NAVIGATOR 
            I'm sorry, Sir. That estimate was based on the original loss rate factor, not
                                         at two zero five. 

                                                 KONG 
           I don't give a hoot in hell how you do it, you just get me to the primary, you
                                               hear? 

                                              NAVIGATOR 
              I'm sorry Sir, but those are the figures. We'll be luck to reach weather
                                        ship at tango delta. 

                                                 KONG 
             Well... shoot. We ain't come this far just to dump this thing in the drink.
                               What's the nearest target opportunity? 

                                              NAVIGATOR 
            Sir, if the rate of loss does not increase, we have a chance to reach target
                 three eight four,grid coordinate zero zero three six nine one, and
                    possibly make it from there to the tango delta weather ship. 

                                                 KONG 
                               What kind of a target is that, anyhow? 

                                              BOMBARDIER 
                              Sir, that's the ICBM complex at Kodlosk. 

                                                 KONG 
              Alright. Designating new target three eight four. Give me a rough heading
                    on that just as soon as you can get it worked out, will you? 

                                                   

    CUT TO:

   INT. WAR ROOM 

   

                                              MUFFLEY 
                                             (to phone) 
            Well, we'll keep our fingers crossed, Dimitri, and remember, there's just one
             thing, we are all in this together. We're right behind you, Dimitri. We're
                   with you all the way. (listens)Y es. Well, we'll keep the line
                                       open. Alright Dimitri. 
                                     (rests phone on the table) 
             General Turgidson, is there really a chance for that plane to get through? 

                                              TURGIDSON 
            Mr. President, if I may speak freely, the Russkie talks big, but frankly, we
               think he's short of know how. I mean, you just can't expect a bunch of
            ignorant peons to understand a machine like some of our boys. And that's not
             meant as an insult, Mr. Ambassador, I mean, you take your average Russkie,
               we all know how much guts he's got. Hell, lookit look at all them them
                           Nazis killed off and they still wouldn't quit. 

                                               MUFFLEY 
                               Can't you stick to the point, General? 

                                              TURGIDSON 
             Well, I'm sorry. Ah... If the pilot's good, see. I mean, if he's really...
               sharp, he can barrel that baby in so low spreads his arms like wings.,
             laughs you oughtta see it sometime, it's a sight. A big plane, like a '52,
                    vroom! There's jet exhaust, fryin' chickens in the barnyard! 

                                               MUFFLEY 
                                   Yeah, but has he got a chance? 

                                              TURGIDSON 
                               Has he got a chance? Hell Ye... ye... 
                                (covers mouth in solemn realization) 

                                                   

    CUT TO:

   INT. AIRBORNE B-52 

   

                                             NAVIGATOR 
             Navigator to Captain, approaching target. Distance, one zero miles. Switch
                                 from green grid to target orange. 

                                                 KONG 
                       Roger. Ready for final bomb run check. Take over, Ace. 

                                               COPILOT 
                                               Roger. 

                                                 DSO 
                                             DSO ready. 

                                              BOMBARDIER 
                                       Bombardier ready, sir. 

                                                 KONG 
              Bomb fusing master safety on, electronics, barometrics, time and impact. 

                                              BOMBARDIER 
              Bomb fusing master safeties on, electronic, barometric, time and impact. 

                                                 KONG 
                         Fused for ground burst, delay factor yellow three. 

                                              BOMBARDIER 
                         Fused for ground burst, delay factor yellow three. 

                                                 KONG 
                            Bomb fusing circuits one through four, test. 

                                              BOMBARDIER 
                      Bomb fusing circuits one through four, test. Lights on. 

                                                 KONG
                           Bomb arming test lights on, one through four. 

                                              BOMBARDIER 
                           Bomb arming test lights on, one through four. 

                                                 KONG 
                              Engage primary trigger switch override. 

                                              BOMBARDIER 
                             Primary trigger switch override, engaged. 

                                                 KONG 
                              Track indicators to maximum deflection. 

                                              BOMBARDIER 
                              Track indicators to maximum deflection. 

                                                 KONG 
                                  Detonator set to zero altitude. 

                                              BOMBARDIER 
                                  Detonator set to zero altitude. 

                                                 KONG 
                                       Release first safety. 

                                                AIRMAN 
                                       First safety released. 

                                              BOMBARDIER 
                                           First safety. 

                                                 KONG 
                                      Release second safeties. 

                                                AIRMAN 
                                      Second safety released. 

                                              BOMBARDIER 
                                           Second safety. 

                                                 KONG 
                             Check bomb door circuits one through four. 

                                              BOMBARDIER 
                      Ah... bomb door circuits, negative function. Lights red. 

                                                 KONG 
                                     Switch in backup circuits. 

                                              BOMBARDIER 
                    Roger. Backup circuits switched in, still negative function. 

                                                 KONG 
                                      Engage emergency power. 

                                              BOMBARDIER 
                        Roger. Emergency power on. Still negative function. 

                                                 KONG 
                                      Operate manual override! 

                                              BOMBARDIER 
               Roger. Ah... still negative function. The teleflex drive cable must be
                                           sheared away. 

                                                 KONG 
                                     Fire the explosive bolts! 

                                              BOMBARDIER 
              Roger. Um... still negative, sir. The operating circuits are dead, sir. 

                                                 KONG 
               Stay on the bomb run, Ace. I'm going down below to see what I can do. 

                                               COPILOT 
                                               Roger. 

                                                 KONG 
                                      (to DSO and Bombardier) 
             Stay on the bomb run boys. I'm goin' to get them doors open if it hare lips
                                      everybody on Bear Creek. 
                                (proceeds through hatch to bomb bay) 

            Kong studies a sparking tangle of wires above a suspended bomb, and then climbs
                          atop the it, fanning the sparks with his stetson 

                                              NAVIGATOR 
                Target orange grid reference, checks. Target distance, eight miles. 

                                               COPILOT 
                 Roger, eight miles. Telemetric guidance computer into orange grid. 

                                              BOMBARDIER 
                           Telemetric guidance computer into orange grid. 

                                              NAVIGATOR 
                Target distance, seven miles. Correct track indicator, minus seven. 

                                               COPILOT 
                          Roger. Seven miles. Set GPI acceleration factor. 

                                              BOMBARDIER 
                                     GPI diversion factor set. 

                                              NAVIGATOR 
                                    Target distance, six miles. 

                                               COPILOT 
                         Roger. Six miles. False ident transponder active. 

                                              BOMBARDIER 
                                  False ident transponder active. 

                                              NAVIGATOR 
                                    Target distance, five miles. 

                                               COPILOT 
                          Five miles. Bundling alignment factor zero mode. 

                                              BOMBARDIER 
                              Bundling alignment factor to zero mode. 

                                              NAVIGATOR 
                                    Target distance, four miles. 

                                               COPILOT 
                       Roger. Four miles. Auto CDC into manual teleflex link. 

                                              BOMBARDIER 
                                Auto CDC is to manual teleflex link. 

                                              NAVIGATOR 
                                   Target distance, three miles. 

                                               COPILOT 
                                        Roger. Three miles. 

                                              NAVIGATOR 
                           Target in sight. Where in hell is Major Kong? 

                                                   
Kong busily works to splice two wires together. He finishes and then attaches
 an alligator clip to a patch panel above his head. The bomb doors open. He
 grabs his stetson to keep it from blowing away in the sudden slipstream.

   

                                                KONG 
                                  Aaaaaa hooooo! Aaaaaaaa hooooo! 

                                                   
The bomb is dropped, and Kong along with it 

   

                                             BOMBARDIER 
                                    Hey, what about Major Kong? 

                                                 KONG 
                                    Aaaaaa hoooo! Waaaaa hooooo! 

                                                   
Kong rides the bomb in its falling arc waving his hat over his head,
 celebrating his success in ecstatic rodeo style. On reaching the ground, the
 bomb detonates. 

   

    CUT TO:

   INT. WAR ROOM 

   Strangelove executes an about face from the big board to face the camera. 

   

                                             STRANGELOVE
            Mr. President, I would not rule out the chance to preserve a nucleus of human
                          specimens. It would be quite easy... heh heh... 
                                   (rolls forward into the light) 
           at the bottom of ah ... some of our deeper mineshafts. The radioactivity would
               never penetrate a mine some thousands of feet deep. And in a matter of
             weeks, sufficient improvements in dwelling space could easily be provided. 

                                               MUFFLEY 
                            How long would you have to stay down there? 

                                             STRANGELOVE 
                                       Well let's see now ah, 
                                    (searches within his lapel) 
                                         cobalt thorium G. 
                          (notices circular slide rule in his gloved hand) 
              aa...nn... Radioactive halflife of uh,... hmm.. I would think that uh...
                                 possibly uh... one hundred years. 

                                                   
On finishing his calculations, he pulls the slide rule roughly from his gloved
 hand, and returns it to within his jacket. 

   

                                              MUFFLEY 
                You mean, people could actually stay down there for a hundred years? 

                                             STRANGELOVE 
              It would not be difficult mein Fuhrer! Nuclear reactors could, heh... I'm
                 sorry. Mr. President. Nuclear reactors could provide power almost 
              indefinitely. Greenhouses could maintain plantlife. Animals could be bred
             and slaughtered. A quick survey would have to be made of all the available
               mine sites in the country. But I would guess... that ah, dwelling space
               for several hundred thousands of our people could easily be provided. 

                                               MUFFLEY 
            Well I... I would hate to have to decide.. who stays up and.. who goes down. 

                                             STRANGELOVE 
                 Well, that would not be necessary Mr. President. It could easily be
            accomplished with a computer. And a computer could be set and programmed to 
           accept factors from youth, health, sexual fertility, intelligence, and a cross
            section of necessary skills. Of course it would be absolutely vital that our
            top government and military men be included to foster and impart the required
                              principles of leadership and tradition. 

                                                   
Slams down left fist. Right arm rises in stiff Nazi salute. 

   

                                             STRANGELOVE
                                              Arrrrr! 
                                  (restrains right arm with left) 
             Naturally, they would breed prodigiously, eh? There would bemuch time, and
               little to do. But ah with the proper breeding techniques and a ratio of
            say, ten females to each male, I would guess that they could then work their
              way back to the present gross national product within say, twenty years. 

                                               MUFFLEY 
            But look here doctor, wouldn't this nucleus of survivors be so grief stricken
                and anguished that they'd, well, envy the dead and not want to go on
                                              living? 

                                             STRANGELOVE 
                                              No sir...

                                                   
His right arm rolls his wheelchair backwards

   

                                            STRANGELOVE 
                                                   
                                             Excuse me.

                                                   
He struggles with wayward right arm, ultimately subduing it with a beating from
 his left

    
 

                                             STRANGELOVE
             Also when... when they go down into the mine everyone would still be alive.
             There would be no shocking memories, and the prevailing emotion will be one
                 of nostalgia for those left behind, combined with a spirit of bold
                             curiosity for the adventure ahead! Ahhhh! 

                                                   
Right arm reflexes into Nazi salute. He pulls it back into his lap and beats it
 again. Gloved hand attempts to strangle him. 

   

                                             TURGIDSON 
            Doctor, you mentioned the ration of ten women to each man. Now, wouldn't that
           necessitate the abandonment of the so called monogamous sexual relationship, I
                                mean, as far as men were concerned? 

                                             STRANGELOVE 
             Regrettably, yes. But it is, you know, a sacrifice required for the future
             of the human race. I hasten to add that since each man will be required to
           do prodigious... service along these lines, the women will have to be selected
                 for their sexual characteristics which will have to be of a highly
                                        stimulating nature. 

                                              DESADESKI  
                 I must confess, you have an astonishingly good idea there, Doctor. 

                                             STRANGELOVE 
                                          Thank you, sir. 

                                              TURGIDSON 
                                            (to Muffley) 
               I think we should look at this from the military point of view. I mean,
            supposing the Russkies stashes away some big bomb, see. When they come out in
                               a hundred years they could take over! 

                                                   
DeSadeski begins walking away from the crowd around Strangelove and the
 President, toward the banquet table. 

   

                                              GENERAL 
               I agree, Mr. President. In fact, they might even try an immediate sneak
                        attack so they could take over our mineshaft space. 

                                              TURGIDSON 
           Yeah. I think it would be extremely naive of us, Mr. President, to imagine that
             these new developments are going to cause any change in Soviet expansionist
                                              policy. 

                                                   
DeSadeski kneels, unseen, and begins photographing the big board with a secret
 camera within a pocket watch. 

   

                                             TURGIDSON 
             I mean, we must be... increasingly on the alert to prevent them from taking
             over other mineshaft space, in order to breed more prodigiously than we do,
             thus, knocking us out in superior numbers when we emerge! Mr. President, we
                                must not allow... a mine shaft gap! 

                                             STRANGELOVE 
                                              ...sir! 
                                 (stands up out of his wheelchair) 
                                        I have a plan. Heh. 
                              (pauses, realizing that he is standing) 
                                      Mein Fuhrer, I can walk! 

                                                   

MULTIPLE SCENES OF EXPLODING BOMBS, dancing to the tune of "We'll Meet Again." 

   FADE OUT:
 

    

 

                                              THE END